My partner's sister is a compulsive liar. Please help.

Hi Mark,

I've stumbled across your page and was wondering if you had any advice for the situation I'm in.

My partner's sister is 15 and for four months, she has boarded with us on weekdays so she can go to high school; on the weekends, she goes home. Sally (not her real name) acts very sweet and innocent, loves singing and acting, has a good body image, and is confident.

But from almost the first week, we have found she lies and schemes about random things. On her Facebook and in texts to friends and even people she has never met, she has been saying stuff like her dad beats her (she rubbed her eye very hard and told the family she fainted and hit her eye on the doorknob, but private messaged people and said her dad punched her), that her best friend died of cancer, that she was going to be put in a foster home, that she has depression.

She makes out that her life is hard and horrible to people. I've noticed she tends to tell more males (boys) and if someone is having a difficult time, she almost brushes aside their comment and has a 'me too' story to top their story. She was talking to people who cut themselves; next thing, Sally is suddenly a cutter too and posted pictures to them to prove it. She drops hints that she likes three to four people at the same time. It's almost as if she likes the attention of someone liking her more than the person. She says she's bisexual, but from what I can see from her messages, she is only leading the girls on.

What can I do to stop this?

This question was submitted by 'Carrie'

Mark says...

Hi Carrie and thank you for writing in.

This must be hard on all of you. The real danger is that she has been telling lies that paint others (such as her dad) as abusive. You say she loves acting and singing and she's certainly showing a talent for acting by the sounds of it.

I would want to know what your partner thinks as to whether Sally has changed recently or always had a propensity to lie and deceive. If this is a new thing, then we'd need to know why she feels she needs so much more attention than anyone else right now. If we see attention as a food, then certainly some people can binge on it, can be greedy for it, and can steal it from others, as Sally has been doing when she brushes aside comments from others who are having a genuine hard time. If we don't get 'food' from a natural source, we may begin to starve and start to steal it.

Does Sally have a good and normal social life? Does she have friends in and outside of school that she sees for real and not just through technology? If not, then she may just be crying out for more contact and attention and the way to ensure attention is to be dramatic. Although that is, of course, non-sustainable as 'boy who cried wolf syndrome' kicks in.

So, first off, ensure that she is not lonely. If she is lonely, that is still no excuse for such damaging lying. But it may, in part, explain it, as might a need for excitement. If she is bored and looking for stimulation, that might be fuelling this behaviour. Lying can become addictive, as it gives a little buzz and seems to supply a short-term reward when attention, sympathy, and even a kind of skewed status are gained. This is why some people feel they can't stop their lying.

The brain is still 'wiring up' its 'long-term consequence assessment tool' during the teenage years, which can account for impulsivity, risk taking, and lack of appreciation of likely consequences (although that doesn't explain some behaviour from middle-aged politicians). But again, going through a developmental phase doesn't excuse this.

Some people reading this may assume, as we were all taught to assume, that she has been behaving this way because she inevitably has low self-esteem and that once she feels better about herself the lying will stop. This is not necessarily the case at all. (See: Top Ten Facts about Low Self-Esteem.) Some kids have such high self-esteem, they feel absolutely flooded with a sense of entitlement - to the point that their greed for the attention pie becomes all-consuming. As you say, she has good body image and is confident - although confidence can be 'domain specific', meaning that in some ways she might not be. But this won't necessarily be linked to the lying.

You don't say whether you have confronted her or called her out on her behaviour. If you haven't yet and you decide to, then I would make it clear to her that making false accusations is against the law as well as being plain wrong. If she is as consequence-blind as she seems to be, then spell out to her what can happen: that her dad could go to jail, that people will discover her lies and no longer believe anything she says, that attention and sympathy in the short-term that is 'stolen' rather than given freely will make others turn away, that the 'hit' of instant attention is no substitute for lasting friendship, that there are other ways to impress people that have more to do with doing the right thing. And that, ultimately, she doesn't have to impress anyone except perhaps herself and lying is not the way to do that. You could also show her this webpage. She needs to know that you know.

This should be something she grows out of pretty soon. But as I say, attention is beguiling and she may find that grabbing it through lies has become compulsive. You could also help her put these tips into practice: 'How to Stop Compulsive Lying'.

All best wishes,

Mark