My low self-esteem is threatening my marriage. What do I do?

Mark says...

Hi Karen,

It sounds really harsh that your husband has taken off his wedding band until he sees improvement in your self-esteem. This is unlikely to help you feel calmer and more relaxed about yourself. I don't like to think of you as 'held to ransom' in this way. Although, perhaps he is just exasperated rather than this being characteristic of the kind of pressure he exerts (that's what I'm hoping).

Low self-esteem is a negatively biased way of seeing oneself and the great thing is that at least you know it is a faulty way of perceiving yourself, because so often 'low self-esteemers' believe their take on reality is 100% how reality actually is.

Positive self-affirmations have been found to make people with pre-existing good self-esteem feel better about themselves, but those with low self-esteem actually feel a little worse. This makes sense as it can be depressing to feel we are 'kidding ourselves'. The purpose of raising self-esteem isn't to start feeling you are automatically wonderful and fantastic in all that you say or do. That may be fine for conceited prima donnas and arrogant divas, but for us more 'normal' folk, we need a more workable way of existing - one that helps us help others too.

We all need to perceive ourselves more objectively, to recognize our strengths as well as our weaknesses almost dispassionately. For this, we need to feel calm. You can see your own reflection in a pool once the water is calm, but whilst it is whipped up, all you get is a distortion as to what you are like. That distortion may cause crippling low or obnoxiously high self-esteem. Learning to be fair towards ourselves and not to treat ourselves as if we were a special case (special as in far worse than we really are) is about acquiring skills so that we can begin to naturally feel better.

Low self-esteem isn't so much about what we think causing us to feel bad, but more to do with how we feel affecting what we think. So just trying to change the thoughts (whilst the more powerful emotional conditioning persists underneath) is unlikely to work, although that's what positive affirmations try to do - with very mixed success. Because feelings tend to be stronger than thoughts (there are more connections leading from the 'emotional centres' of the brain up to the 'thinking brain' than the other way about), I like to use hypnosis alongside cognitive approaches so you have a shot at feeling better so that it becomes more natural for you to think better about yourself.

I don't know what kind of hypnosis you have tried. If it was the kind of therapy that tried to 'discover' why you had low self-esteem without teaching the skills to develop a more objective and fairer perception of yourself, then it may have done little for you. I suggest you use the '10 Steps to Solid Self-Esteem' program as it uses sensible psychology alongside hypnosis to help both your thinking and feeling brain unlock you from the tyranny of low self-esteem.​

You may find the 'Top Ten Facts about Low Self-Esteem' article useful, as well as 'How to Boost Self-Esteem'. Perhaps one purpose of life is for us all to master our human natures so that we see clearly. We all have our problems and it can be a real trap to assume one's own problems are worse than everyone else's. But as sure as day follows night, you can feel much better about yourself and your relationships.

All best wishes,

Mark

Published by Mark Tyrrell - March 8th, 2014 in

• Self Esteem