My Low Self Esteem is crippling me

Mark I really hope you can help. For as long as I can remember I have been down on myself. I'm 46, never had a relationship last more than a few months. Either I've been with people who've treated me so badly or who just weren't right for me or I've ended any promising relationships because I felt so insecure and couldn't believe it could last. People have told me I am pretty but I just don't believe them. I hate spending money on myself and hardly ever get my hair done. I know it sounds strange Mark but I actually hate it when people pay me a compliment. It just feels weird and I feel like the person 'being nice; is untrustworthy.

I have a good job and am paid well but feel stupid and incompetent even though I know I can't be. I am sick of feeling this way. I feel so miserable and life is passing me by. Someone pointed out the other day that I always put myself down and I don't want to be like that. I had a very impoverished childhood and all the other kids had much more money than I did.I was also sexually abused by a relative when I was 11. I don't get flashbacks to that but I feel it has affected the way I see myself. Both my parents were and are on the rare occasions I see them, highly critical of me which hasn't helped.

What resources from your website do you suggest I use?

This question was submitted by 'Sue'

Mark says...

Hi Sue,

Although you and your life are, of course, unique, what you describe in the way of low self esteem is classic. Distrust of being treated well, not wanting to spend money on yourself, short lived relationships with the wrong person but not being able to be with the 'right person' through fear and insecurity. Research into the causes of low self esteem found, not surprisingly, that a history of sexual and physical abuse are so often major contributing factors. Being treated as if we are of low worth by others can so easily condition us to feel the same way about ourselves.

It's so vital to remember that low self esteem is always wrong just as an inflated self opinion is.

When correcting low self esteem the aim is to become fairer to oneself through increased self objectivity not through some kind of artificial self love engineered through endless self affirmations. Sue, signs that your self esteem is normalizing will be the capacity to enjoy healthy relationships, to be loved and to love, an easy sense that you can recognize and have others recognize your attributes. We all have emotional needs and when your self esteem becomes as healthy as it was meant to be all along, then you'll be more able to meet those needs and life will feel meaningful and enjoyable. Despite your difficult past you sound resilient and determined to make the future better.

Whenever people overcome low self esteem I always feel they are 'coming home' to the person they should be before the 'brainwashing' of life got in the way. Why shouldn't your future be full of love, happiness, interest, achievement and friendships?

I recommend you take the '10 Steps to Solid Self Esteem' course and I'd love to know about the changes you have.

Take care,
Mark