I get so jealous of my boyfriend even being in the room with another woman. What can I do?

I have an issue with being a very jealous person. Even though I have been with my boyfriend for two years and lived with him for almost that whole time, I can't shake my jealousy.

I am very confident that he would never cheat on me, but I can't handle him even being in the same room as another woman, sometimes. I know how ridiculous it is to be like this, but I just can't seem to stop my brain from thinking this way. I get this pain in my stomach, my vision gets blurry sometimes, I feel like I can't think straight, I get a hot flash...

Are there any tricks or tips you have for 'in the moment' situations that could help me calm myself down and stop myself from creating a bad situation with my boyfriend such as a huge fight?

This question was submitted by 'Kristin'

Mark says...

Hi Kristin and thank you for writing in.

Anything we really care about can cause us to misuse the imagination to frighten ourselves with the thought of the thing no longer being in our life, of being left alone in life.

Chronic, maladaptive jealousy can arise from past learning, which might be having been left by or cheated on by some ex-partner. Or this past learning might be of another kind, in which possessiveness has people treating people in their lives like objects that no one else should have any access to.

I worked with someone who had always been encouraged as a child not to share any of her toys or anything at all with other children. She developed severe jealousy problems as an adult and couldn't stand her partner even talking with other people - who she saw as 'playing with her toy'. This kind of jealousy makes a tyrant of the jealous partner.

Other jealous types have low self-esteem and can't really understand how anyone could want to be with them. They therefore feel it's just a matter of time before their partner sees the light and ditches them for someone 'better'. Some people just have so much imagination and they use it to imagine scenarios that upset themselves and this becomes a habit.

You can think right now which, if any, of the above kinds of jealous person you might be. Maybe none (but that's unlikely) or maybe a combination of the above.

Fear and anger compete with one another to be the dominating emotion during a jealousy episode. Fear of loss and anger at oneself, your partner, or some woman in the same room can all combine to make you feel horrible and be overly controlling or clingy. If you haven't already, you could read '7 Tips for Overcoming Jealousy in Relationships' and actually start putting the tips into practice. You could also read 'Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships' and, again, don't just read it, but work at letting it work for you.

There are things you can do in the moment, but preparation is always best so that 'the moment' takes care of itself when it rolls up. Relaxing deeply with eyes closed whilst visualizing yourself in those kinds of situations will help train your brain to feel calm and in control when those kinds of inevitable life situations come about. If you need help doing that, you could check out '10 Steps to Overcome Insecurity in Relationships'.

If you need to calm down in the moment and you haven't prepared the emotional part of your mind ahead of time, then focus on breathing out for longer than you breathe in. So, if you suddenly find yourself feeling uneasy, insecure, or angry (because he's 'yours' if you see him in objectified terms), then:

Stop.
Focus on your breath.
Take a breath in while counting (quick counts in your mind) to 7.
Then slowly breathe out to the count of 11 (again, counting quickly in your mind).

The trick is to breathe out more slowly than you breathe in. When you do this, the body can't help but relax. When people feel anxious or angry, they don't really breathe out much at all, so doing this will make you feel better and clear your head.

You can also focus on behaving as normally as possible. When you 'act normal', you often begin to feel normal.

You owe it to yourself, him, and the both of you (not to mention innocent other women) to master this.

All best wishes,

Mark