I feel inadequate because I don't have or want children

Dear Mark,

I am a 39-year-old self-employed artist in a wonderful marriage with a much older man. I never felt great desire to have my own kids, although I love children. Yet any time I see a post on Facebook from my friends sharing ecstatically happy pictures with their babies, I instantly feel a sharp pang of inferiority and self-doubt. I somehow feel I have to justify myself, even 'apologize' to peers when they ask why we don't have kids. I don't want to say, "We don't want them." - It's not my nature! But I feel they see me as immature, too carefree, or a failure that I can't show off to the world that even I can have a baby and achieve other things like most women.

I am on the verge of deep depression because of all this, although I try to hide it. I tend to avoid my best friends who now have babies, scared to communicate with them because I fear it'll trigger my depression and even suicidal thoughts. When I see a bloke posting a photo with his baby and saying to his wife, "Thank you for letting me experience true happiness," I feel like jumping under a train. It makes me feel I am a big loser, missing out on the greatest things in life.

How can I become immune to these feelings of self-hate and inadequacy in society? The other day, my own aunt told me when saying goodbye: "I hope you'll finally find some direction in your life," which left me crying and swimming in wine for two days. I don't want to be tortured with these thoughts any more!

Any techniques to get out of this mind trap?

Thank you so much!

Lee

This question was submitted by 'Lee'

Mark says...

Hello Lee and thank you for writing in.

I have spoken to many people over the years who have been made (or feel they have been made) to feel defective, inadequate, or even somehow morally corrupt for not having children. You can be left with an aching doubt that you are somehow missing out on something wonderful.

But the research tells us a different story. Happiness levels in couples that have children drops at first as the relationship takes the strain. Research also shows that adult happiness levels in those who had children and those who didn't is more or less the same. Having kids does not make people happier.

Now let's talk about Facebook. For the first time in history, normal people are able to manage their own images via 'public relations'. So we can all present a carefully constructed image - or, I should say, multiple images - to the world. Facebook may be about connecting, but it is also about presenting. Reading some people's updates, you can be forgiven for believing their lives are one unbroken chain of wall-to-wall vacations, adventures, social events, and love-ins with beautiful people.

Selective presentation means people don't post too many pictures of their kids whining or screaming for hours. They don't post pictures of angry spouses or nappy [diaper] changing (okay, I'm sure someone has at some point). And they don't post pictures of drunken or sulky teenagers throwing tantrums for weeks on end.

A feeling of missing out can work both ways. Some of your parental friends will feel faint - or not so faint - glimmers of envy for your 'carefree' lifestyle. Secret and unacknowledged envy may drive people to seem to disapprove of the very thing they seem to envy.

It will all get better for you. Childrearing is not easy and as your friends' children grow and lose interest in their own parents (as is the natural and right order of things), then those parents will have to make a life for themselves again and not just a life around their kids. Your life and their lives will converge again and the differences will be less.

A woman is never less of a woman for not having kids unless we see women as just breeding machines. The world needs people who want kids (although the global population does continue to explode), but it also needs those who have other contributions to make. Children drain time, money, and energy - even lovely, bright, beautiful, and photogenic children. Parenting can be fulfilling, but it also means that other parts of life may be less fulfilling.

Depression is caused in part by circular, emotive introspection that drains energy, hope, and motivation. It's important you cut down on that non-solution-focussed 'painful' rumination. Use your life for fulfilment and do your own thing in a way that helps your community. You have a wonderful marriage. Your life has direction - you are an artist! And, as you say, you love kids; you have just chosen not to have any of your own.

Most parents will admit (and I speak as a parent) that you always love your children, but you don't always like them. Loving but not always liking is hard. So, not having children makes us miss out on having some experiences (good and bad), whilst having children makes us miss out on some experiences, too. One or the other isn't a sure path to happiness and some people's lives are eventually made miserable by their own offspring, despite the Kodak-moment, Disneyfied versions some people present on Facebook.

I think there is an element here of caring too much what others think. Having kids is a shock to the system and not an easy option, but it doesn't make you better or great or even happier in the long run. Some people are made happier, but some who have children become less happy. These brutal facts are often not discussed, but they hold up.

You know you don't want children, so what's been bothering you is worry about what you feel other people think of your life. I suggest you read 'How to Stop Worrying What Other People Think'. And if you find yourself ever obsessing about all of this, take five minutes (which you wouldn't have if you had a young child) and write down exactly what the thoughts are on one side of a sheet of paper. Then think - really think - and write down challenges to those thoughts on the other side of the sheet. Do this for a while and you'll notice the thoughts lessen pretty quickly.

And remember to take with a pinch of salt what you see on Facebook. : )

All best wishes,

Mark