How can I get out of my own way?

Hi Mark, What are some steps that I can take to "get out of my own way"? Each time I reach a point of wanting to change my negative ways of thinking it seems I feel a tremendous resistance building up inside; it's extremely frustrating. It's almost as if part of me doesn't want to see myself as happy or positive. It's very confusing. Any suggestions are very appreciated. Sincerely, Jeff

This question was submitted by 'jaltoon'

Mark says...

Hi Jeff,

You know, to sound a tad negative, I think pessimistic thinking, negativity and defeatism is more widespread than many of us realize. So even if someone doesn't talk in negative terms or seem negative to others, an unconscious conditioning may still have them aiming for much less for themselves and others than is necessary. Self underestimation is endemic. We settle for way too little, like angels not using their wings or geniuses seeing new meanings in the world but refusing to share their medical or artistic discoveries with the world.

But at least you know you've tended toward a negative bias and prejudice. Steps to take or questions to ask yourself when you suspect you may be falling for that inner negative take on things would be:

1.) Am I being black or white in my negativity? 'All or nothing thinking'/'black or white' thinking is nearly always (not to be black or white about it) a sign that thinking has become so simplified as to be no longer a true reflection of the subtleties and gradations of reality. For example if I were to tell myself 'everything is terrible' then a moment's reflection might tell me this is not and in fact cannot be true. Similarly: 'I have failed at everything' cannot be true because I am discounting all the doors I have succesfully managed to open in my life and so on. This may sound strange but negativity thrives on you filtering reality in such a particular way and in order to maintain self sabataging negativity you have to 'forget' any reality that confllicts with the 'official negative doctrine' -else the negative mindset quickly starts to fall apart just as a harsh political dictatorship begins to dissolve as soon as its people have access to wider views of reality from outside the dictatorship.

2.) Ask yourself: Do I really think this (negative thought) or am I merely using thinking to back up my feelings. For so long it was assumed by Behavioural Cogntive psychologists that what we think determines what we feel. But neuroscience shows us that feelings so often come before thought. And then we use throught to try to justify the feeling. So I feel angry because I missed lunch and I find something to feel angry about. Human beings are problem solvers and when we feel something we like to have a reason for why we feel that way, even if the reason makes no real sense. So one might feel defeated and hopeless before attempting something just because we have been trained to self doubt and feel hopeless but then create the 'reason' for those feelings by assuming the task is too much for us and we are not up to it. Feelings run deeper than thoughts which is why we use hypnosis to help people change the way they feel so that changing thoughts feels that much easier.

3.) Ask yourself: Am I being this way simply through accustomed habit? You say, Jeff that it feels like a part of you doesn't want to see yourself as positive or happy, which part of you is that? Is it a part that you created? What would you call that life limiting part of you? Do you think it will start to shrink and ultimately get lost once you feed it less by allowing it to dictate what you do and how you are? What purpose in the past did it serve and has it outgrown any usefulness it may have had? Seriously ask yourself these questions and write the answers down and really think about this. You will be happy once you are emotionally happy by having your needs met in a balanced and sustainable way. Don't 'try to be positive' or happy but rather invite a little positivity in and learn to cultivate it bit by bit so it sticks around and becomes part of who you can be in the future. When you start serving yourself properly in life you'll also touch other people's lives more in profound and useful ways - so even if you've swallowed the 'I don't deserve to be fulfilled' pill at some point in your life it may be time the effect of that starts wearing off so you can help not just you but everyone you come into contact with.

All my best,

Mark