How do I stop valuing people just by how rich they are?

Hello, I need some advice. I already have noticed I value people by wealth most of the time; if I see some woman with a good car or a man who is rich, I suddenly think they are smart and successful. Wealth defines your worthiness and attractiveness. You are everything. This is my belief. And it's wrong, I know it.

I already know I have problems with my self-esteem, looking for validation from outside. When I see rich people, I feel inferior. But when someone says, "Hey, don't worry; real values are friendship, gratitude, or love," I just smile. I can't get it; in this world right now, these values look naïve. How do I find a real inner worth to compensate for outside pressure or materialism?

Thank you,

Ernest

This question was submitted by 'Ernest'

Mark says...

Hi Ernest,

Thanks for your question. We have in many ways become a superficial culture, judging people by what they seem to be like based on surface criteria or 'externals'. Looking up to or down on others because of what they have or appear to have or not have is an unfortunate side effect of being human and something to overcome if the human race is to develop.

It is equally superficial to look down on others because they have the trappings of wealth as it is to assume those people are smart and successful. Because, of course, someone's hoarded wealth does not inevitably denote their real worth. Saints and sinners have come from the ranks of both penniless beggars and rich people. We can only know what someone is really like when we - or events - scratch the surface of their presented personalities, which can be little more than choreographed masks. How does someone behave when the chips are down? When they have nothing? When someone else needs support, even though supporting that other person may make you an outcast in the eyes of others? The world may be doomed unless we can re-establish greater perception of and regard towards one another.

And research shows us that money's effect on happiness is limited. Earning up to $60,000 (US) makes you a bit happier, but increases in wealth beyond that make little difference to wellbeing. Earning $600,000 doesn't make you ten times as happy or quite possibly any happier. If someone only feels real because of what they have, then they are neglecting to be themselves. It really is that fundamental. It's not the possession of wealth that is the important thing, but our attitude to our wealth or lack of. A poor man could be greedier than a rich man. It's the psychology that is important.

We all have an array of different needs we have to meet in order to feel fulfilled and be fulfilling to others. And while we all need meaning in life, money promising to provide ultimate meaning is like a hooker promising eternal delight - an illusion. Getting rich and grabbing hold of stuff in life, then showing it off, only helps insofar as it helps us meet our needs for intimacy, attention, meaning, community, and so forth. Demanding attention through shows of wealth will never be as real as receiving attention freely from someone who is interested in you, not what you have.

Ultimately, it's our relationships that matter and make our time on Earth meaningful; not just relationships to other people, but also to what we do and experience in life. We also know that reward for its own sake (intrinsic reward) - for, say, writing a book or playing music - makes us happier than if we just focus on the extrinsic reward of the money we get for our talents, skills, and efforts. As Steve Jobs said, what's the point of being the richest man in the cemetery? This doesn't mean you shouldn't strive to be successful, but success, money, and possessions should be transcended by the person who has them, not define who he or she is so that the person becomes just an object. We all need to reach out and positively impact the people we live amongst, our communities, the world. That is the meaning of real success.

I think you will be all right, though, because you are at least thinking about this and already sense there is a better way than pure greed for status and wealth for its own sake. Wealth and success can temporarily turn our heads, but if you have the seed of questioning within you, then you will stabilize your life around lasting aspects of reality that have more depth. When you were born, you could love the light from the sun, the stars, sounds, and play. You had to learn about wealth and status - the stones and mud that make up materialist values as being paramount to anything else. That learning was like a superficially suffocating plastic construction covering but the real you, the you that came into the world, is still there underneath it.

You might have to have more experiences in life and have your 'head turned' by wealth and status for a little longer; but, as I say, at least there is a part of you, perhaps just a seed, that senses something more than all that. Who wants to be just a product of the conditioning of their culture?

For some reason, I'm reminded of this quote from Rumi: 'Do not worry if all the candles in the world flicker and die, for we have the spark that starts the fire within us.'

All my best,

Mark