How do I stop lying to my wife?

Hello Mark,

I'm pretty sure I'm a compulsive liar. The only person I really lie to (by omission) is my wife. I have a constant fear of her leaving and I have issues about her displaying anger about things I have done (not being open about finances and money, what I am thinking, how I am feeling, my motivation for omitting information, etc.).

I'd like to say that it's her control issues, but that would negate the obvious truth that I hide information from her all the time. I'm sure it's from my childhood, having had a dad who frequently raged out of control and spanked me, like every day of my life starting when I began to walk.

So I have tried for years to stop lying and omitting, but the fear is overwhelming. I'm extremely frustrated at my lack of progress and can't even imagine ever being completely truthful. At this point in my life, I almost feel like giving up on the notion of having enough internal resources to ever be completely truthful.

Thanks, Mark.

This question was submitted by 'Dan'

Mark says...

Hi Dan and thank you for writing in.

First off, I'd like to say that the idea that couples should spill everything and at all times reveal their thoughts and feelings to their partners and that anything less than total transparency all the time signals a defective relationship is to be questioned. Researchers found that couples who had to share every thought and feeling had less successful relationships than those who knew what to keep quiet about. So, some omission in a relationship isn't a bad thing and even in the land of coupledom, people have a right to some privacy within their own minds.

There might be some element here of your wife feeling that she needs to know every thought and feeling within you and perhaps you have rebelled somewhat and have come to believe there is something wrong with you. I'm not talking about major lies, here. But it does sound like there's more than this going on. You seem to have made a match back to your father's destructive anger. It seems you have been greatly fearing your wife's anger, feeling that it would be as catastrophic as your father's anger felt when you were a kid.

This compulsive lying, as you call it, only happens with your wife and only happens by omission. You fear 'getting into trouble' with your wife. Ask yourself: is she the kind of woman who would walk out and leave? Or is she someone who prefers to solve problems and work through things?

Think about that feeling of fear, sit down and imagine it so that you feel something of it. Then see what memory it takes you back to (I'm guessing a father-related one). If the present fear does seem to be an unpleasant echo of the fear caused by your dad's rages, say aloud, "I am not a kid anymore! My wife is not my dad!" (Do this when you are alone, obviously.) This rather strange-seeming exercise can have a powerful effect.

Next, write down on a sheet of paper all the ways in which your past situation, when you were a kid, is different from your current situation as a resourceful adult with a marriage. Write down every single difference.

Your relationship with your wife needs to be conducted via your adult self, not by a leftover from emotional conditioning you got as a young boy. Repeat the exercise I suggested every day for a few days and I think you will notice a difference. You might also like to use the 'Let Go of the Past' download. And if you haven't already, check out the 'Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships' article.

All best wishes,

Mark