I feel like I've never fit in, but I need company

I don't feel that I fit in wherever I go and whoever I am with. I have always felt this way, but now that I am nearly 60 and live on my own in a new area, I am finding it even more pronounced. I always feel that people just put up with me and whatever I choose to do, I feel that I am not supposed to be doing it.

I thought I would make friends when I started my degree course two years ago – like-minded people and all that – but I haven't and don't believe any of them really like me; they don't seek my company outside of the university. I have tried several hypnosis techniques, self-confidence, self-worth, etc., but I don't feel any better. Is there anything that you could suggest?

This question was submitted by 'Roseanne'

Mark says...

Hello Roseanne and thank you for writing in.

It's always hard to move to a new area, especially when you live on your own. You have to be really proactive in forming friendships. All minds are meant to be active and when they are not as active as they should be, then we can lose perspective or imagine we are not likeable or confident merely because we are not getting to use our confidence or likeability enough. Spending too much time alone can make anyone feel odd, strange, or different.

Not fitting in implies being different, perhaps eccentric. Some groups of people are a bit cliquey and anyone who seems 'different' may feel excluded. Often, friends are found in other people who feel a bit different. Anyone in the world would be an outsider, a 'non-fitter-inner', within some context or culture. As long as you express interest in others, are friendly, a good listener, and have empathy (and, let's face it, humour is a big bonus), then you have attractive traits. And if you feel you lack some of these traits, then at least you have specific areas to develop.

One thing I suggest is that you do more than just your college degree. Join other groups in which interaction is part of what the group does. For example, book groups are a great way of meeting people because social interaction is the modus operandi of the group. Join as many different groups as you can - spread your eggs to many different baskets.

One thing about the Internet is that no matter how skewed, different, unorthodox, off-beat, off-the-wall, or eccentric one's view of life is, you'll find other people who share it. In that way, it becomes clear that those who feel different are not so different, after all. We all, no matter who we are, share primal human needs.

We all need to:

feel safe and secure day to day
give and receive attention
have a sense of some control and influence over events in life
feel stretched and stimulated by life to avoid boredom
have fun sometimes and feel life is enjoyable
feel intimate with at least one other human being
feel connected to and part of a wider community
be able to have privacy and time to privately reflect
have a sense of status, a recognizable and appreciated role in life
have a sense of competence and achievement
have a sense of meaning about life and what we do.

Everybody has all these needs to varying degrees. If you chronically under-meet one or more of these needs, then you may start to feel strange or different, as if you don't fit in. Just as dehydration, chronic hunger, heat, or cold can make us feel weird and strange on a physical level. Seek to meet your needs and to help others meet theirs and, as a by-product of these efforts, you will make good social contacts.

We are all unique...in some ways. But also we are all types of people. By recognizing what kind of person we are, we can then be better placed to find other similar (or at least not too dissimilar) people to connect with. I recommend you read this article on personality types. We all need people (to varying degrees). Think about what I've written here and see if it makes sense to you and how you can use it.

All best wishes,

Mark