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Will my boyfriend come back to me

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Hello Mark, My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up a week ago. I am distraught just like the other 2 times we have broken up around this time. Our relationship has always been rocky, having big fights before we have been able to talk things. Maybe like one a week. I love to over talk things through and he does not like to talk emotions at all. This time his sister and his mother got more involved than ever in our relationship going as far as spying through my personal private conversations on a social network and listening to our last fight over the phone, not sure how that happened. I tried calling, texting, emailing to get him to talk to me and all he can say is he does not hate me but wants nothing more of this. Our initial fight started when he was going to go out of town and did not tell me until I was getting in the car to go to work. We had a discussion about how we were thinking of living together and were for about two weeks, part time because I still had my own place and was going back and forth. I told him this was painful for me and he understood and mumbled about how he did not know what to do, with his mother and all. He had only just moved out on his own earlier this month. I know we had bad fights, usually brought on by the same five issues, he never wanted to communicate his plans, I was anxious around his family and friends because he expected me to be perfect around them ect. He says he loves me but is tired, is there a chance he'll come back to talk?

This question was submitted by 'fbarak86'

mark tyrrell

Mark says...

Hello and thanks for your question. I suspect he feels overwhelmed. The assumption that all 'issues' need to be talked about in a relationship is I think a damaging one and perhaps the cause of the demise of many otherwise good relationships. There has been a bit of a taboo in talking about male/female differences, people start to howl about 'reinforcing stereotypes' and that kind of thing but there does seem to be evidence that men do like to withdraw, 'retire to the cave' when they have problems whereas women, more generally, may like to 'talk through' problems.

Neither approach is right or wrong just different but for one gender to assume the other gender must deal with emotions the way thier own gender more typically does can cause problems. You night like to read my short article: 'Men, women and emotions-or why he never tells you how he's feeling!' Your boyfriend may have been feeling pressured to always 'talk' when talking was the last thing he needed or wanted to do. Over anaysis can suck the spontenaity from relationships and to feel that your family is spying on you is enough to make anyone flee for the hills. From his persepctive he'd need to know that you have needs - such as for him to keep you abreast of his plans and what's going on. So the magic word 'compromise' rears its reasonable head and would have to be a major new part of this relationship were it to continue. If he loves you then he may well be back but it will have to be on a new footing for both of you, and he needs to learn to trust again that family members need to keep out. Pressure from all sides may have made him run to avoid all the stress but if he can be convinced that things can be different and the postives will greatly outweight the negatives in the future then there is hope. Whatever happens, with or without him you can still have a good life.

All best wishes,

Mark.

watch icon Published by Mark Tyrrell - January 12th, 2014 in

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