How can I move on after my fiancé's affair?

Mark,

Just over a year ago, I found out my fiancé was having an affair. I decided to give him another chance, but now I am still finding it hard to move on and trust him.

I want this relationship to work, so what can I do to stop my doubts and jealousy?

Thanks,

Emma

This question was submitted by 'Emma'

Mark says...

Hello Emma and thank you for writing in.

Affairs happen for one of two reasons:

There is a problem in the relationship, or
The cheater is so prone to cheating that cheating felt natural to them.

Problems in the relationship include lack of intimacy and feeling unattractive, unappreciated, and unloved to the extent that when someone else comes along who does show love and is obviously attracted, it can be hard for the cheater to resist because very real needs have not been or are no longer being met in the person's primary relationship.

Do you think your fiancé's infidelity was caused by a major problem in your relationship? Or does your partner have a history of two-timing? Is he someone who cheats serially because he believes he can get away with it? A sexual opportunist? Or were you having real problems in your relationship that resulted in him making the mistake of cheating?

Of course, affairs can result from a combination of sexual opportunism and unresolved problems in the primary relationship. Another possibility is that your fiancé cheated through a sense of panic brought up by your engagement because he felt like his options were diminishing – a fear of committing to one person. It may be easier to move forward if the affair resulted from problems in your relationship that amounted to some of his needs (and, presumably, some of yours) not being met so that an affair seemed like a solution. If he is prone to cheating, there might be trouble ahead.

But if you basically feel this relationship and the upcoming marriage can work and it is now a question of you building confidence and self-reassurance that he can be trusted because he can be trusted, then I suggest you use the '10 Steps to Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships' program, as this works on the feeling level as well as the cognitive level to help you feel more emotionally secure. If you really think this man can be faithful to you and that this was a one-off mistake brought on through circumstances, not character, then this program should help you help the marriage be a good one.

All best wishes for your future,

Mark