What can I do about my best friend's pathological lying?

Hello. I'm 21 years old and have recently found out that my best friend is a pathological liar. I, along with another friend, have had suspicions for a few months, mainly about exaggerating with EVERYTHING; but we've recently put a lot of things together and realized just how many lies she has been telling us, big and small! This breaks my heart because she is my best friend in the whole world. She has always had self-esteem issues and I think it may have something to do with that.

I don't know how to handle this. I will always stand by her and try to understand this with an open mind. But it's bringing me down, it really is. I talk to her over the phone every day and I used to love it so much, we would talk forever. But recently I feel as if I'm making excuses not to talk for as long because there's so much negativity in the conversation and I feel like I'm having to take everything she days with a pinch of salt. This upsets me because I don't want to feel this way. I'm in a place in life where I'm feeling so positive about life, I've gotten rid of everything negative. I'll never leave her for as long as she needs me, even after that! I'm just finding it a real struggle. Any advice? Thanks so much.

This question was submitted by 'Cassie'

Mark says...

Hi Cassie and thanks for writing in.

This must be really tough for you and it sounds as if you are a really good and loyal friend and intend to remain so. You didn't say whether you had ever confronted her with her lies or whether you intend to (or whether your other friend does). Emotional intimacy in friendships is fostered and maintained through trust; once that goes, it can feel really hard to feel as close to someone. If you know someone is lying (really know for sure), then, in a way, you are lying to them by not bringing your knowledge to their attention.

Lying can become a habit, almost an addiction. It can help people get attention or a feeling of significance and importance, and make people feel more exciting or mysterious. When people exaggerate, it may be through a desire to entertain or because they are just so enthusiastic or emotional about something. Any strong emotion makes us see things in exaggerated terms. So it's good you have distinguished between exaggeration and real untruths. Many people who lie are not cold-hearted sociopaths (who don't tend to care that they lie), but people who fell into the habit and desperately want to stop. Just look at the comments on my 'How to Stop Compulsive Lying' article!

I suggest you bring this up with your friend. Perhaps broach it in a general, non-accusatory way: 'We all sometimes find ourselves saying stuff...' If we're honest, most of us have lied about something at some time. You might even talk about a time you lied or exaggerated and how it felt and so on. In this way, it won't feel like you are out to catch her out. This will give her an opening, which she may or may not take. You can reassure her that you always want her to be open with you and hope that you can always be open with her. This may be enough to help her be more honest with you. If she does become more open about her lying habit, you can reassure her that you find her interesting enough for who she is without the made-up stuff and you really value her.

I hope you can sort this out, but remember, we are each one of us ultimately responsible for ourselves, so it's down to her to change. All you can do to help is encourage her.

All the best,

Mark