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We've been together for two weeks and I feel I'm losing him already. What can I do?

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Hi Mark,

I have a hard time asking for what I want in a relationship. I'm 23 and just recently became 'official' with the guy I've been seeing. It's two weeks later and I feel like he's disconnecting already. Is he just settling in? I feel like two weeks is awfully soon to start being disappointed in your partner. He's a hyper-masculine guy, a pit of a 'player' type, Serbian, 26.

We've had something going on for a while as far as liking each other. But now that we're 'together', so to speak, I'm afraid of losing him already... texting him first, asking him what's wrong, should I even ask in the first place?

I'm good at the very beginning phases of relationships, but once I'm with someone and am a little more emotionally invested, I feel like I have no voice. I can't relax, I'm too afraid of coming across like the clingy girlfriend or reaching out to him. What do I do? I mean, he's chosen to be with me and hasn't broken up with me, so I should relax a bit. But I want to express my expectations and I know I deserve to be treated better. I'm just so scared to speak up.

This question was submitted by 'Amanda'

mark tyrrell

Mark says...

Hi Amanda and thanks for writing in.

A couple of things strike me about what you have written. You describe this man as 'hyper-masculine' and 'a bit of player'. Now, this may not be easy to read, but it may be that he has gotten what he wanted from you (of course I don't know the exact nature of your relationship with him), feels he has 'scored' another notch on his mating score sheet, and, because the chase may be more thrilling than the result, is already ready to move on to new conquests.

I might be totally wrong and he may be perfect material for a long-term, meaningful, mutually supportive relationship, attuned to his and your feelings, and so on. But what I have written here may be a possibility, which means that however you play it - texting, not texting, and so forth - may make little difference. He may be great at passing on robust genes, but not so great at providing a nurturing relationship.

So, this period in your relationship may be less about you doing anything wrong or right and more about the way he is. You need to really see what he is like, that's my point.

Men don't always like to be asked what's wrong, because it carries an assumption that there is something wrong and maybe he doesn't feel there is. Having to feel accountable after a couple of weeks may be a little pressuring.

I think you should just see what he does so you can learn about him. Does he want connection or just sex? Lust without intimacy? And if so, are you happy to be in a relationship like that with a man like that? Is the excitement and attraction worth the lack of deep connection? Can he give you what you really need?

But even all this conjecture is premature in a way. He probably just wants to relax, go with the flow, and let things develop (or not). Gripping too tightly too early on can squeeze the breath and life out of something.

I would ease off contacting him and let him come to you if that's what he wants to do. If he does, then I suggest you make seeing you contingent on him taking you out, not just meeting up for sex (yes, I know I am presuming a whole lot here, but I am working blind, in a sense).

The wider issue is you not feeling assertive once relationships become established and not feeling able to ask for things or not feeling 'heard'. I suggest you read or re-read the 'Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships' piece and really start putting the tips to work.

All best wishes,

Mark

watch icon Published by Mark Tyrrell - January 4th, 2015 in

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