How can I reassure my love we can be together?

Hello Mark,

I would truly love to get the love of my life back - forever! We reconnected five years ago after dating in our twenties. It was wonderful at first, actually a miracle after 30 years of both of us wondering where the other was and trying to find each other.

After a while, we moved in together and had a series of unfortunate miscommunications, what we called 'moments'. I kept leaving, about every eight weeks or so, because I couldn't understand his seemingly unrealistic mood swings. We always patched things up and got back together.

Finally, two years ago, we married. It didn't last long because the mood swings got crazy and I didn't understand his strange behavior.

After he moved out and went back to the East Coast, he discovered he had Graves disease. After much research on both of our parts, it was clear that Graves had had an awful impact on his thought processes. He didn't even realize what was happening during the times he was 'acting weird'. He has since received help, changed his diet, is on medication, etc. Graves disease is not something that ever goes away and I know it is not easy to live with a person who has it.

The problem now is that he is very fearful that if we do get back together, I will leave again and he is stuck in that feeling. My feeling is that now that I am armed with so much information about Graves and how to deal with a loved one who has it, I will be different in how I approach his swings. How can I help him out of his fear?

This question was submitted by 'Leslie'

Mark says...

Hi Leslie and thank you for your question.

I can understand why he feels fearful about moving back together as it hurts to be left, especially when the two of you love one another. He needs to feel sure that things can be different now because of your new understanding around Graves disease and its effects on mood, coupled with the fact that he is receiving treatment for the condition.

Of course, there are no guarantees with any relationship. You could suggest to him you live together for a 'trial period' of maybe six weeks and then review it. Or if that's not acceptable, spend some time together in some other way, such as going away together for a few days and building up from there.

It's important to take small steps right now and then any larger commitment will feel more natural than going from 0 to 60 in two seconds.

It would be a shame not to give it another go now that things have changed. It's important to remember that you don't just fall into a placating and caring role within this relationship. You need to meet your primal human needs, too. This article may also be useful to you: 'Increase Emotional Intimacy in Relationships'.

I hope things work out between you.

All best wishes,

Mark