My partner was raped as a young child and thoughts of death and dying torment me

Hi,

My partner and I have some problems and need advice on where we both can get help.

My partner was raped when she was a young child and suffers from anxiety attacks. For the past year, she has not slept one night all the way through and is always starting arguments for no apparent reason. When I told her I was on your site and started reading the signs of a breakdown out to her, she said she related to everything you said.

Also, for the past eight months or more, I have been having thoughts of death and dying, which scares the hell out of me. The emptiness feeling didn't bother me at first, but now it happens several times a day and I have gotten very worried. I don't know who to speak to, as I'm worried what people will think.

Please, if you can help us, it would be immensely needed.

This question was submitted by 'Sebastian'

Mark says...

Hello Sebastian,

Thank you for getting in touch. I feel for both of you.

It seems clear from what you write that your partner is still badly traumatized from the rape she suffered as a child. Signs of persistent trauma include feeling the memory hasn't faded, but still seems recent - or more recent than normal considering it was such a long time ago. Persistent traumatic memory doesn't get processed like neutral or pleasant memories that fade in time until the person is helped to process the memories so they finally feel past and no longer current or recent. Other signs of trauma are persistent nightmares and/or flashbacks that can be triggered by events or situations that even only slightly remind your partner's mind of the original horrible event.

I wonder why your partner has found it hard to sleep over the past year, whether anything happened a year ago that reactivated any trauma. She really needs someone who knows how to help her overcome her trauma.

Any treatment should be comfortable, quick, and effective. The best way to relieve trauma quickly seems to be the Rewind technique. Having this treatment from someone who knows how to use it skilfully may transform her life very quickly. If you contact us at Uncommon Knowledge, we'll let you know whether we know of a therapist near you skilled in this approach.

Now, as far as persistent fearful thoughts of death and dying go, it's important to understand that anxiety and stress need to find a thought or worry to give them 'shape'. Just as water finds channels to run down and give it shape, so too it's hard to just feel tense and stressed 'in a vacuum'. This is why we find ourselves worrying about stuff we wouldn't normally worry about when we have higher than normal stress levels (perhaps when we are worrying about not sleeping). Stress makes us create worries.

This past year must have been really hard for you, seeing your partner struggle and suffer so much. So, it might be that higher stress levels within your mind and body simply found shape in thoughts of death and dying - which are, of course, a common focus of worry.

I wonder what changed when you started focusing on thoughts of death and dying? There may be something else going on here; maybe you had some kind of experience that got you thinking about death or dying. My guess is that once your stress levels naturally lessen, then a happy by-product of that will be you focusing more on life and living again.

The important thing is to stop using your imagination to frighten yourself and begin using it constructively again. I suggest that you read my article on dealing with a fear of death (if you haven't already), really think about its ideas, and put its suggestions into practice. Also, focus on managing stress and relaxing as often as possible. When you feel different, then you think differently; and, strange as it sounds, it's easier to change the way you feel to change your thoughts than the other way around.

All best wishes,

Mark