My spouse is a perfectionist!

My spouse is such a perfectionist that he is angry about 50% of his day, for many reasons. For example, the dishes we just ordered were expensive and they got 2 chips in them in 2 weeks. He constantly says that he feels a failure in his interactions with people at work. He sings the old African spiritual song about 5 times a day "Nobody knows, the trouble I've seen, nobody knows but Jesus". The sad thing is that he has no faith in Jesue.

He says he sees arrows coming at him constantly, especially when he feels judged by his parents, who are both church minisiters and have always been critical of him, calling him a rebel even when he was very good and normal.

I don't know what this guy needs. I feel he was hurt by his mother putting unrealistic expectations on him to become a minisiter, and he tried it and he failed, he felt like it wasn't really him. Now he has issues with women and doesn't completely trust them.

I don't know what to do. He is a lovely person who is tortured and unhappy most of the time. I have known him all my life. I am his true friend and I need to know what to do to help him.

This question was submitted by 'Alejandra'

Mark says...

It does sound like your spouse needs to change the way he approaches some aspects of his life. Has he (or have you) read this article on Overcoming Perfectionism? It's easy to assume being a perfectionist is a good thing, but actually perfectionism isn't about striving for excellence but about getting very distressed when something is perceived to be wrong. Your husband needs help in being able to react appropriately when something goes wrong.

It also sounds like your husband has had a lot of expectations of him from his family. When we try to steer our ship via the navigation others set for us then we are never going to feel right. He needs to live his life not the life his mother or someone else assumed he should lead.

It sounds from what you've written that he really needs to build his self esteem so you might look for him to read this article and even to take this course, which uses hypnosis to lift low self esteem.

I also think this article on Achieving Potential may be really useful for your spouse.

He can change, so he and you can be happier.

All best wishes,

Mark