My husband had an affair and watches porn. Do I need to work on my insecurity?
Hi Mark,
First off, I really like your website and the 'Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships' article really hit home with me. I am very insecure in my marriage of seven years. And I have a real problem with anxiety and depression.
My husband had an affair just about two years ago. I have a very hard time trusting him now. He also has a porn addiction problem that he is struggling with. We've both been to counselling and it helps, but all the problems are still there. I always catch him in little lies and that makes me question everything. So I have a real problem with over-thinking and worrying. I have two young kids that I stay home and take care of and I'm easily stressed and overwhelmed.
I am interested in buying the '10 Steps to Overcome Insecurity in Relationship' course. My question is, do you think it will work for me? I mean, even with the affair and his addiction. My husband tells me he wants to stay married and move forward, but I am always doubting everything he says. I am afraid to trust him because he has lied to me so many times before.
I really do want to stay together and move on, but that fear of another affair is making that impossible. I know that my behaviour is going to push him away eventually if I don't change. But I also feel like if I do start trying to trust him and giving him more space and freedom, then he will just be hiding things from me and have another affair. I've caught him flirting with other women online and he has even been watching porn at work.
Help me.
This question was submitted by 'Alesha'
Mark says...
Hi Alesha and thanks for writing in.
Jealousy and insecurity are, in a way, like an immune response. Sometimes the immune system responds when it doesn't need to and we call this an allergy. When this happens, it's the response itself that becomes the problem for the person. Other times, the immune response is absolutely required and appropriate because a real threat needs to be dealt with.
Frankly, I think if you didn't feel somewhat insecure and untrusting it would be pretty strange, because there was real cause. If your husband is making efforts to deal with his porn addiction and is determined not to cheat in future, then perhaps you can come back from this.
But the question in my mind is, why did he cheat? If there were real problems in your relationship (and I'm not saying that would justify his affair), then it might explain why he did this. But if everything was fine and he was just seeking excitement or wanting to have his cake and eat it too, then that sounds alarm bells.
I think you need to wait and see. See what kind of 'holding pattern' there is. Turning a blind eye is not the same as trusting. Give it six months or longer. Don't get the '10 Steps to Overcome Insecurity in Relationship' course unless you reach the point where you feel he really is trustworthy and has shown real commitment to being with you and you alone for a sustained period of time. At that point, if you feel you are responding in an overblown way or unfairly, then – and only then – you might think about doing something about your own insecurity.
If there is a real threat to the body, the immune system needs to work overtime. Once the threat has passed, the immune system can go back to normal – but that doesn't mean it doesn't have some vigilance to possible future threat (I realize I'm stretching the metaphor here). The problem seems to lie (in both senses of the word) with him, not you, at the moment. You need time to discover whether this has passed and you can trust him. He needs to understand that trust isn't a green light to cheat. Don't be made to feel neurotic, possessive, jealous, or as if you have a problem. You have just reacted to something real.
I wish you well for the future.
Mark
Published by Mark Tyrrell -
May 16th, 2014 in 
