My ex-love hurt me when I met his new girlfriend

Hello Mark,

I went out with Peter eight years ago. I fell in love with him and he was the first guy I slept with. We went out for two and a half years, but I was aware he did not feel quite the same. Later, we broke up because 'I was not the one'. When he went out with a new girlfriend, we remained friends.

Three years ago, he moved overseas for work and during this time, our contact has been limited to birthday greetings. Recently, I visited his work country and it was agreed I could stay a couple of nights. After work, he showed me around a little bit and we went for dinner, where I met his date (a girl 20 years younger than him) and another friend. He talked mainly to them. I just concentrated on enjoying myself, but I would have preferred a meal just with Peter to catch up.

His date liked me and took the afternoon off the next day to show me around. Peter asked me to pretend to her that we'd just been friends. During the afternoon, I had to pretend about a lot of things about Peter, which made me uncomfortable.

When we returned to Peter's and I mentioned to Peter to make sure he treated this girl right, he got annoyed and asked why was I here if I thought he was so bad and said I had got my 'free' room. I was quite upset then, so I left with my suitcase. He came outside, but asked me why had I come there and said, 'We did not have a friendship but a rapport.' He apologized by text and I have since mailed with no response.

Was I wrong to go to his place, especially as I do still have plenty of affection for him?

This question was submitted by 'Selena'

Mark says...

Hi Selena,

Thank you for writing in. It seems to me that he behaved very badly to you in the way he talked mainly to his date and his friend when you all went for dinner. He then pressured you to deny the nature of your past relationship with him to his new girlfriend and made you pretend about a lot of things, as you said. He got angry with you and said you just wanted a 'free room'. He even denied you had a friendship. Sure, he apologized by text, but you've heard nothing since.

You asked me if it was wrong for you to visit him. No, it was right for you to see him. This was an opportunity for you to see what you have escaped. His girlfriend is 20 years younger than he is, which tells me he's not a kid himself; just behaving like one.

He was the first man you were intimate with, so you might not yet know that you can do better, but you can. You needed to visit him to get the feedback about him you now have. For the sake of your dignity and self-respect, remember that you can do a whole lot better.

All best wishes,

Mark