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My boyfriend keeps nude photos of his ex-wife and from one-night stands

Hi Mark,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. After two years, I discovered that he has hundreds of photos of not just me, but also his ex-wife, her sister, and his one-night stands in the nude and/or performing sexual acts with him. I was disgusted and I confronted him about them. He said that he didn't know he still had them and that he would delete them.

A year later, he still has the pictures and there are even more pictures. I confronted him again and he said that I shouldn't snoop. (He gave me the password to his computer shortly after we met, so it's not like I am snooping. And I wasn't 'looking' for anything; I just happened to run across them in his photos.) Again, he said that he would delete them.

In February, I did a boudoir shoot and gave him the photos for Valentine's Day. I thought that since he deleted those photos and likes having something to look at, he could look at me. Last week, I found an old thumb drive and found the pictures again. This time, he saved them to his laptop and right up front so he could see them.

I don't know what to do. My girlfriend said that I should forget about the pictures because he is faithful to me and with me every night. But in his mind and in his heart, he isn't really with me. He is with them, when I am not around.

Should I just forget about it and move on? Can you help?

This question was submitted by 'Crissie'

mark tyrrell

Mark says...

Hello, Crissie, and thank you for writing in.

To me, one of the biggest problems is that he told you he would delete them but he didn't. He claimed he didn't know the pictures were there, but then he went to the trouble of not only keeping them, but making them instantly accessible.

The fact that some of these pictures are from one-night stands and of his ex-wife's sister means it's incredibly insensitive for him to have these around still. Maybe he just doesn't get it, how feelings work, why you would be upset. Your girlfriend is right that you are the one he is with, but, understandably, you still wonder whether he inwardly feels connected to these past women.

Have you asked him why he didn't delete them when he said he would? He might be the kind of guy who likes to keep 'trophies' of his 'conquests' - notches on the bedpost, that kind of thing.

But I want you to be clear about something. Responding as you have done is not unreasonable, clingy, or indicative of undue jealousy or insecurity. You have responded naturally to this by feeling bad. Don't be made to feel like you have reacted weirdly or that you are the problem here.

You ask me whether you should just forget about it and move on. I suggest you continue to focus on the relationship you have - if all is good other than this. But, the question remains, why does he feel the need to hang on to these pictures? The answer to this question might be 'for no particular reason' or he may take a 'hunter's approach' to women, seeing them as prey. Hopefully, that's not the case, as he is, as you say, with you every night and faithful.

The answers to questions you have will materialize over time. So, enjoy what you have, but understand there may be more things to learn about this man - or not.

All my best,

Mark

watch icon Published by Mark Tyrrell - June 9th, 2014 in

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