Image Image Image

Am I in love with my same-gender friend? And why does she no longer have anything to do with me?

  • Sharebar

There is this senior of mine (we both are of the same gender) who had contacted me for some event organized in college.

Slowly, as days passed by, we became really good friends. There wasn't a single day when we used to not chat with each other. Almost every day, she herself used to ping me and we used to chat for long hours.

It so happened that, a few months ago, she got a job and shifted to some other city. She has stopped messaging me and is ignoring me – even though she is online, she is least bothered to ping me.

I can't digest this fact and for all the selfless help I have given to her. She doesn't bother to reply to my messages, and the fact that she has made new friends and spends time with other friends makes me feel miserable and jealous. I start palpitating and can't concentrate on anything. Every day, I wait for a ping from her inside, but always I am disheartened.

She has time to ping her other college friends...then why not me? Has she just used me for her timepass? Doesn't she care any more? Am I in love? Am I straight? Please, I am trying hard to forget her, but unsuccessfully each time. Please, I want answers to my questions.

This question was submitted by 'Santasree'

mark tyrrell

Mark says...

Hello Santasree and thank you for writing in.

I'm sorry to hear she seems to have cut you off like this. The brutal truth is that you maybe fulfilled a need for her whilst you did and she is now meeting that need someplace else. Some people are like that, especially if loyalty is not their strong suit.

You seem to have 'fallen for' this person, even if you are straight. Love, attraction, and liking are, I think, on a continuum, so a straight person can still be non-sexually attracted towards or even in love with a same-sex person whilst still being heterosexual. Love comes in many flavours.

You might be straight, bi, or lesbian; it's impossible for me to answer that one. But you may just have become very attached in an intense way with this woman and that isn't abnormal, just human. However, she may have felt that intensity and felt hemmed in by you. Again, I don't know this, I'm just guessing from a distance, so please don't take offence. We can sense when someone is very intense about us and she may have sensed that. So it might be:

  • She was using you (although she wouldn't have seen it like that) to meet a need and now that need is met elsewhere and she's not that loyal.
  • She felt hemmed in by your intensity.
  • A combination of the above.
  • For some other reason we just can't be aware of right now.

You have been having physiological symptoms when you're aware that she's around but not pinging you and I think you need to get over her rather than renew a friendship that has hurt you so much. You could do well to use the 'Losing a Friend' session to help you feel better about this quickly.

All my best,


watch icon Published by Mark Tyrrell - July 8th, 2015 in

Have you got any other ideas for our questioner? Let them know in comments below: