My on/off boyfriend keeps messing me around! Is there hope for us?

Hi.

My boyfriend broke up with me last January. Then we got back together in late January and he broke up with me on Valentine's Day. I met with him a day after that and we talked alone in a room. I wrote him letters that were supposed to be a Valentine gift and as he read them, he cried.

We tried understanding each other and got back together. Then, eventually, March came and he broke up with me again two days before my birthday. Then we got back together and he broke up with me again in April, May, and finally June.

I am in love with him and I just cannot give up on him. He said he doesn't want to talk to me at all and that he didn't like me anymore, but on Twitter when I was talking with my friend about a guy who likes me, he tweeted, "flirt :)". And he and my friend argued.

He called me up after not answering all my calls and texts and screamed at me, but after a while he called again to say sorry. That's when he said he doesn't want to jeopardize his relationship with his friends because they told him to stop talking to me. Ever since, I have been suffering panic attacks and I can't stop loving him at all.

Is there a chance for us to get back together in the future? I tried dating others, but I really can't stop loving him because I really, really want and need him in my life through better or worse. I told him that we should try again and we did. He was really happy, but then he just kept denying it, like he wanted to stick to what's in his mind even though he was really happy.

Please help. :(

This question was submitted by 'Patricia'

Mark says...

Hi Patricia and thank you for writing in.

It must have been really hard for you. It sounds like he has messed you around so much. He keeps dumping you over and over. He sounds like he is bad news. You have been having panic attacks. He has all the power. This doesn't sound good.

Research on addiction many years ago found that what we find addictive is the uncertainty of reward. For example, when cats and mice (and people) are rewarded one time for a certain action, not rewarded the next, but then maybe are the next time, that action becomes much more addictive than if they are predictably rewarded each and every time. So, rats trained to push a lever for food will push it much more compulsively if it doesn't always lead to them getting food than if it always does. In the same way, gambling is so addictive for some because it supplies unpredictable rewards. If people won every time they gambled, then, believe it or not, gambling would feel much less addictive. 'Sometimes you win, sometimes you don't' equals increased likelihood of addiction. My point? Don't mistake addiction for love.

He is treating you like you are a game. He doesn't like it if someone else shows an interest in his 'game'. He may have gotten addicted to hurting you. This all sounds harsh, I know, but I don't want you to sleepwalk to more heartbreak. I suggest you take time out from all contact with him. Tell him you don't want any contact for six months. That you can't be hurt any more by him. That you are not his plaything. And keep away from him.

He might be charming, sexy, good fun, or give you the feeling that you need to help him see that he loves you. It might feel like he's a puzzle that needs solving, unfinished business that keeps you going back for more. But make no mistake. You don't need a man this manipulative and/or chronically indecisive. He's shown himself to be a major problem already. This article might be useful for you: 'How to Heal a Broken Heart'.

You can do better. It will feel hard for a little while, but you need to treat yourself well and be treated well by whoever can love you properly in future. You can be genuinely happy.

All my best,

Mark