In love with a guy who is still in a relationship

Hi Mark,

I've fancied a guy in one of my tutorials at uni since I met him six months ago. We have such a strong connection and every time we see each other we spend ages laughing and talking about anything. He didn't mention his girlfriend to me at the start but ever since I knew about her I have always behaved in only a 'friend way' to him. Nothing has ever happened between us but I feel that I have come to love him.

Last week at a party he got very drunk and told me he really likes me. Ever since then I have been feeling so confused. There's a part of me that really wants him to break up with his girlfriend and start a relationship with me, but the more sensible part of me knows that's mean. And I know that it's not a good idea to start a relationship with someone who has just finished a very long serious one.

He told me he is going to break up with her next week when she gets back from holiday and that they have been 'on the rocks' for a long time, always fighting. He says he wants to take me out once he's broken up with her.

Is this a good idea? Am I just heading for disaster? I really like him but I don't want to hurt his girlfriend, although I've never met her, and I don't want to get hurt by being 'the re-bound girl'.

This question was submitted by 'Elizabeth'

Mark says...

Hello Elizabeth

I'm not one to suggest people go around breaking apart other people's relationships but in your case this man has said that he does actually want to end his current relationship, that it hasn't been right for a long while and that he wants to be with you. I suggest that, as you are so worried about being the 'rebound girl' you suggest to him that if he wants to split from his current partner you would certainly want to develop a deeper relationship with him but would want to wait a couple of months before you do so. In this way you can feel that he isn't just caught in a reflexive rebound and that he is serious about wanting this change in his life.

It would be a good idea for him to have a break between relationships and you can help him do that but you also need to look after yourself. If the connection between the two of you really is a strong as you feel it is then you two shouldn't be just a fling at the end of a long relationship but a serious relationship in your own right.

To your relationship happiness,
Mark