I'm so insecure I'm scared he'll leave me

Mark I'm desperate

My dad left when I was 8. I really loved him although he was unreliable and couldn't show love to us very well (he has died since) and I'm not sure I ever got over the shock of him leaving. I was a lot closer to him than my mom. She remarried 6 months after my dad left to a man who was physically abusive to me and my sister and brother. I left home early determined to be strong and independent. I've had several relationships but always seemed to pick the wrong guy until I met my current boyfriend three years ago. I played it cool at first but he's so loving and considerate but fun too and there is a real 'spark.' We get along so well in so many ways. We've moved in together but I'm afraid I'm starting to be really controlling.

The thing is I hate it when he goes out with his friends about once a month and have to keep texting him to make sure I know where he is. He is so loving and honest but I had been with a couple of guys in the past who badly cheated on me and it's like I'm convinced he'll do the same or get sick of me. He's really patient but the other day I just kept on at him about how he felt about us, how he feels about a particular woman co-worker (who is married anyway) and on and on. He did finally say that he needs some space, not like he wants to be away from me or anything but he needs me not to keep asking him what he's thinking or wanting him to text and call me all the time. But it's like I can't help it. The thing is, I'm terrified I am going to drive him away with my insecurities. It's like he's the first person I've ever really opened up to and I think I'm not used to such love and can't believe it can last or stand the thought of it ending especially if I knew I ruined it with my obsessiveness. How can I change my thoughts.

What do you suggest Mark?

This question was submitted by 'Sara K Cheshire'

Mark says...

Hello Sara,

Thank you for writing in and sharing this.

It's wonderful you have such a great relationship (in many ways) with such a great sounding guy.

Your father whom you loved was unreliable and eventually left and sadly died and your earlier relationships weren't, by the sounds of it, ideal and you were cheated on.

We can all mislearn as well as learn from the past. Mislearning from past experiences often results in the kind of emotional insecurity later on that can spoil current healthy relationships.

So you may have mislearned through no fault of your own of course that people you love will never stick around, that 'things going great' can never last, that loving someone else and being loved leaves you vulnerable. When we are not used to healthy relationships we can feel almost superstitious about them, feel really anxious, as if they are a lot more fragile than they really are. And it's the anxiety which drives the obsessive, over controlling, clingy behaviour you describe.

Of course no relationship is perfect and if you are not used to healthy relationships then you can feel that any imperfection means its going to end soon. This is like when a nervous flyer feels that a bit of light turbulence during a flight signifies the plane is about to crash! And there's a terrible Catch 22 situation caused by relationship insecurity which is the more you value the relationship, the more important it is to you, the more anxiety it gives you, the more you try to make things right the more you can make things wrong.

Relationship like gardens need to be tended and looked after but after a certain point they need to be left to grow and mature, to breath.

Sara, you asked me how you could change your thinking but this kind of thing is driven not by thoughts but by feelings. So often people try to change their thoughts by 'being positive' but until the underlying emotional patterns alter and balance then artificially working on the thinking level will have limited results.

Trying to change thoughts before changing the damaging feelings is really hard. Damaging feelings are created by emotional conditioning from the past. Just trying to artificially 'think different,' as many people are told to try and do, is like trying to grow flowers from concrete. The basis needs to be right first, the emotional conditioning needs to be healed. This is why I use hypnosis when treating all kinds of relationship wrecking emotional problem such as jealousy, mistrust, insecurity, fear of abandonment and low self esteem. Hypnosis works on the level of the problem because it's not your thoughts that have been causing you problems but the feelings underneath the thoughts-once those change you'll find you feel more relaxed in your relationship, more confident and the very real love I think is within your relationship will be given it's best chance to shine.

I think you'll really benefit from taking the 10 Steps to Overcome Insecurity in Relationships course and from reading my free article Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships.

You sound like a decent, caring and loving person why shouldn't you have a wonderful strong, healthy relationship.

All my best
Mark