I love my fiancée but am scared to commit, please help

Hi Mark,

I've been in a relationship for six years now and got engaged two years ago. I love my fiancée, but I'm afraid to fully commit; afraid of losing my freedom, having kids, losing more spare time, and not being able to do what I want to do. We are getting married soon and I'm excited, but completely scared of being boxed in with no escape. While all these thoughts are happening, I'm noticing cute females and celebrities. I can't help wondering, am I giving up everything for the woman I love?

This question was submitted by 'Jonathan'

Mark says...

Hi Jonathan and thanks for writing in.

Losing everything for the woman you love? Really? Well, I can understand your feelings and so many people have them. But it's important not to panic. If you love her, then being with her will enrich, enhance, and extend your experience of life. Any successful relationship will have space in it for both partners to pursue interests and have time to themselves, too. Sure, having kids is a second full-time job when they are young, but as they grow, so too do your freedoms. So, it's not a question of losing everything forever.

Noticing cute girls and celebrities isn't necessarily something that ever stops completely, however much you love your fiancée. But when you make a choice, you always give up some other choice. The fact that you live in the country you are in means you are not living in some other country (or many countries). You are wearing a shirt, but not wearing others. We make choices all the time. If you pursued some pretty girl or stalked some celebrity ( ;-) ), you would be missing out on the woman you love.

This is going to sound incredibly unromantic, but one function (see, that's an unromantic word) of marriage is to narrow options so your mind is free to focus on things other than hooking up. Once you are married, even reasonably happily, then you (and your partner) gain the spare capacity to develop yourself because you have fewer options when it comes to hooking up with woman.

I suggest you read 'Do You Have a Fear of Commitment?' and really think about what it means. Really focus on how you would feel a year, five years, and ten years from now if you let your fiancée slip away. All relationships and all marriages are explorations, adventures together into unknown waters; there are no guarantees for anyone. You will feel a little anxious, as does anyone who sets sail into the unknown, but it's whether you allow that anxiety to determine what you do that will determine what kind of man you are.

You say you love her, so you don't doubt you are right for one another. So my advice is to feel the fear and do it anyway. Don't expect to have no fear, but remember playing the field can be as lonely as having no one.

All the best,

Mark