I had unprotected sex, but didn't tell my lover - now he's rejected me

Hi Mark,

When I first met my partner and before we had sex, he asked me if I was free from sexual disease (HIV in particular) and I answered affirmatively. However, I had engaged in unprotected sex since a previous test and although, as much as I knew, I had been careful and was still safe, of course it is impossible to know for sure. I should have been more honest with him.

As time progressed, we fell deeply in love and were in a committed relationship for more than four years... Until I confessed to my original guilty secret. He became very angry and ended our relationship about 18 months ago.

Since then, we have continued to live together and remain best friends (even with benefits), but he insists that he cannot forget or forgive my dishonesty and does not trust me enough to resume a relationship. However, we still love each other and want to be together. The only thing getting in the way is his memory and inability to put it aside and trust me. Incidentally, we have both been tested regularly in recent years and remain HIV negative.

We have both said we will do anything to make a relationship work and I purchased your download on trust for him, but he felt that this did not address the problem and certainly did nothing to help. I am hoping you can suggest something else (perhaps I bought the wrong download, hehe), because I really don't want to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I shall look forward to hearing from you soonest.

Paul

This question was submitted by 'Paul'

Mark says...

Hi Paul and thank you for writing in.

You love one another. You both want to be together, to make the relationship work. You are both HIV negative. You didn't cheat on him; you had unprotected sex with someone else before you got together with him.

Have you asked him what it would take for him to feel able to commit to the relationship again? What would need to happen for you to be real partners again? What would do it for him?

You can't turn back time. The fact is, you did confess. What made you confess? Was it because you wanted openness and trust together? If so, then that is what he should be focussing on.

The world is full of unhappy couples and it sounds like you two could and can be happy together.

I suggest he listen to 'Let Go of the Past' and also 'Love Your Imperfect Partner'. It may be that he feels really insecure, in which case the article 'Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships' may be useful, too.

I really hope this helps, Paul, and that you two go on to make it work again as it should.

All best wishes,

Mark