I feel so anxious around mastectomy scars

Hi Mark! This website has helped me a lot. THANK YOU!!!....REALLY... I come from a family were the dad was very abusive in every way. My mother an angel,I love dearly. My siblings and I are all very close & united in our healing & understanding of our perpetrator. He was incarcerated, we have nothing to do with him. During that time our mother was fighting breast cancer. It was an extremely stressful time. That is all about 7 yrs behind us. We are in a much better situation now, my mom has been cancer free for years. Through all of those years we were all in therapy, diving in. Really working on our childhood traumas. I feel we have handled them very well & are all doing quite good for years. I've been a professional massage therapist for about 5 1/2 yrs. The last 2 1/2 for a very good plastic surgeon. He does work w breast cancer survivors. So I do lymph massage on all the post ops. I have been in an intimate dynamic with some post mastectomy reconstruction clients. It used to give me a little anxiety before I came encounter w the situation. But I chose to focus on the healing, I feel I passed with flying colors & compassion in those situations. I no longer got anxiety. Recently I was physically sick one week. Then a good life friend had told us he had HIV the night we through him a birthday party, the party went arri my friends state was very sad & shocking, I ended up being kept up until 4 30 am him balling to me. After that I did not feel quite right

then the following week of the party I worked on a new outcall client. Reffered by a good Dr. Client of mine. She's had a mastectomy and scoliosis issues. So it's like the 3 of us working as a unit. To report back to each other. I physically did not feel the best when I started working on her, but I just tried to relax my body and push through. During working on her & seeing her mastectomy scars, really gave me anxiety, I could feel my body freaking a bit. But I just focused & got through. I came home and part of me felt good, & then part of me freaked out & physically felt like I had a nervous breakdown. For a few days I have had horrible fear & anxiety my bodies nervous system feels off the charts. I don't know what to do. Luckily I have had some time off due to the holiday. I worked 1 day since the breakdown, I felt like a robot, my nerves still freaking out. I read on how to cope w that, thank you! Should I try to push through & still work in a post op position? I normally have anxiety sometimes. As a kid severe. I have not felt this level since I was a kid. Very nervous to go back to work. Logically I can sort it all. But apparently long undue stress has hit a platou. It feels.. I set a Dr 's apt. For some help. When calm thinking what worries me, none of it except that client that triggered me & to think of the state of my friend. Also the fear of someone I love dying tramatically. Is that the source of it all? Should I release the post op triggers?

This question was submitted by 'intriguing.artist'

Mark says...

Hello and thank you so much for writing in. You have lived through so much with, by the sounds of it, courage, fortitude and compassion to yourself and others. Your family has managed to move on from the cruelties of your father and your mother is cancer free.

It also seems you are doing wonderful work with people who really need your help. The news from your friend of his HIV condition must have been a shock to you as is natural when we fear for someone we care about. This experience of hearing about his illness may have also reactivated old traumatic memories of fearing for your mother's life when she had cancer. If that is what happened then the situation would have reminded you (probably on an unconscious level) of bad times from your past and brought up similar feelings.

Working with the woman with the mastectomy scars may have suddenly felt difficult for you because of the re-activated pattern of feeling frightened by episodes from the past. I don't know this for sure but it sounds like this could be what has been happening.

Ask yourself how exactly you felt when your friend told you about his HIV status. You might even take time to recall the feeling. Next focus on that feeling for a few moments then see if the feelings take you back to any other memory. If it does then notice what that memory is and focus on 'getting outside' the memory, seeing it like it is an old video on TV and practicing feeling calm as you review it. Remind yourself 'I am able to help others calmly with compassion'. Do this until the memory of your friend telling you about the HIV and any other associated memory that seems to fit the pattern of that time have become much calmer. Next take time to get into a calm hypnotic trance and think about that time massaging the woman with the mastectomy scars and notice how it would have been different had you been very calm and relaxed during that time. Imagine watching that time had you been calm noticing your body language and capacity to transmit that calm and comfort to her. In this way you will 'set a new blueprint' for your mind and help heal any old traumas effectively. The world needs you to be healing and you are better able to do this by helping others be calm through you being calm, so that you can be the healer you are, perhaps, meant to be.

All best wishes,
Mark