My husband looks at other attractive women. How can I let it not bother me so much?

Hi Mark,

My husband loves looking at pretty women, always has. We've been married for 20 years, but it still bothers me from time to time because he doesn't know how to control it. He blatantly looks at nice-looking ladies and women, but tells me he is not. But I'm not blind...and it hurts me.

There's a young lady at our church who is very nice-looking and shapely; she's our announcer. He stares at her like he could eat her up. We had an argument last Sunday. He got mad and said he's sick of me accusing him of wanting someone he's not interested in; perhaps that's true. But I want him to stop staring at her. How can I fix myself, so it won't continue to hurt so much?

I promised him I wouldn't bring it up again, but it stays on my mind. He tries to find little ways in church to be close to her or say something to her. Last Sunday, he said they were talking about the weather. Well, he doesn't talk to me about the weather. Help me not to care anymore, please. I'm hurting. Thanks.

This question was submitted by 'FiFi'

Mark says...

Hi FiFi and thank you for writing in.

Looking at attractive women - or, let me rephrase that, appreciating that someone is attractive is human, natural, and perhaps imprinted deep within our DNA. But that is not the same as rudely gawping at someone, flirting with them, and otherwise acting as if in heat.

This is a question of manners, politeness, consideration, and decency to you. Now, for you to miraculously not care that your husband has a decency malfunction in these situations would be unnatural indeed. So, part of the solution to this problem is for your husband to rein in his 'DNA response' during these times. Just because my DNA response is to eat (and I share that with quite a few others), that doesn't mean that I steal food from other people's plates at a dinner party.

You might remind him that part of belonging to a church and being 'godly' must surely include reining in impulses at least in public. He was discussing the weather with her. Was he spending as much time discussing the weather with any overweight, middle-aged guys? I'm guessing not. So, some of the solution requires him getting the fact that he needs to be polite and respectful to you in these times.

But that doesn't mean you can't also work on caring less and feeling more relaxed. You can do this by mentally rehearsing feeling calm and appropriately okay with him talking or even occasionally noticing other women. If you need help with this, I can recommend a download I helped produce: 'Overcoming Jealousy'.

All best wishes to both of you,

Mark