How do I get to the root cause of my relationship insecurity?

Hi Mark,

I wanted to ask you what you think the best and most effective way of getting to the root causes of insecurity is? Is psychotherapy the best option? And how to break patterns of negative thought? Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy? Is there an easy way to stop completely unfounded assumptions of infidelity from popping up all the time? I 'see' evidence of it everywhere and even though I know it is unfounded and paranoid, I can't seem to stop it. I'd really like to find a way to stop torturing myself!

Thanks and best wishes,

Anne

This question was submitted by 'Anne'

Mark says...

Hi Anne and thank you for writing in.

The idea of a 'root cause', finding it, and that when having found it, the problem disappears is an old-fashioned and unproven idea, but still has credence even amongst some psychotherapists. Finding or believing you have found the 'reason' isn't as important as observing the process within yourself (which you have been doing) and challenging it.

There may be reasons why you have been feeling particularly insecure. These won't necessarily have to do with historic or childhood experiences and if they do, then it's what you do and feel now that need to be dealt with. Certainly Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy with a skilled therapist could well help you, as it would help you behave, think, and feel differently.

You can also look at '10 Steps to Overcome Insecurity in Relationships', which will help you feel differently as well as think and behave in ways that diminish insecurity.

Self-torture through the misuse of the imagination is so common, especially around something that is really important to us – and relationships do tend to be important to most people. But when you start to relax more in your relationship, then you'll notice that any old imaginings will at first feel less compelling, start to lose their power, and pretty soon drop away – leaving you free to love and be loved without your imagination whipping up unnecessary feelings.

All best wishes,

Mark