How do I stop my jealousy ruining my relationships?

I'm in a very tough situation. I'm 18 years old - I know what you're thinking: "She's young, it's a phase, it'll pass," but it won't. My mother has the exact same problem I have.

So far, I have ruined two separate year-long relationships with my jealousy. I'm finally in another relationship; it hasn't even been a month and I'm already pushing us apart. When we go out, I try to put him into a position where he can't see other girls and any time he looks away from my eyes, I follow where he looks and assume he was looking at a girl.

My mother is now married and she also does this, except more excessively. I'm scared I'll turn into her. I just get these thoughts in my head that if he sees a girl, he'll look at her, she'll look at him, and then he'll get these ideas of her in his head. Then I get angry and don't want to talk to him.

I need it to stop. I know I have a problem, I just can't change it. If I don't bring up whatever is bothering me, I start to feel physically ill until the point where I throw up. I am willing to pay for your help. Please.

This question was submitted by 'Rebecca'

Mark says...

Hi Rebecca,

Thanks for your email. Jealousy is, as you know, a terrible thing - not only for the person who is jealous, but also for your partners and even people you feel threaten the relationship, if you ever become angry with innocent people you feel may 'steal' your partner away.

It sounds as if the jealousy you've been experiencing is learned from your mother. This is not to blame her, of course; she already suffers enough and has her reasons for excessive jealousy. But it may explain why you developed it.

Jealousy is a kind of mixture of anger, defensiveness, fear, hurt, and 'control freakery'. I think of it as a disorder of the imagination, because jealousy has you misuse your imagination to make yourself feel bad. What's more, jealousy tries to make you find 'evidence' that what you fear really is happening - or is about to happen. The danger is that when you start to let jealousy control your behaviour, then it makes you try to control the behaviour of your boyfriend: what he does, who he can talk to, or even what direction he can look in! The more you do that, the more it will start to feel like being let out of jail when he's not with you, which means he can never feel free and relaxed with you and can never say how he feels in case he feels or thinks the 'wrong' thing.

If you haven't already, then I suggest you read my articles on overcoming jealousy and insecurity in relationships and consider using the ‘Overcome Jealousy’ hypnosis download to help you stop misusing your imagination and start using it to help, instead of hinder, your relationship. Also check out my video reply to another question related to jealousy and insecurity.

It's great that you want to nip this in the bud now and stop it overwhelming your relationship. Remember, a little jealousy here and there is natural, but it really should be only a little amount and not the main defining feature of the relationship.

All best wishes,

Mark