How do I help my partner acknowledge his insecurity?

Hi,

My partner is an insecure man with all the traits you mentioned in an article I have just read. I would very much appreciate it if you could give me some tools to be able to help him recognize that, as real as the earth moves around the sun, so too are his insecurities real.

I am a very open, spiritually aware woman, and I can identify his insecurity being the root cause of the way he behaves outwardly. Therefore, I do not take it personally, but have compassion and understanding for him. I have had my own internal dialogue on keeping self-preservation and I try to maintain a calm approach to his outbursts, understanding his deep, real fears.

Obviously, I respect myself and my happiness and sanity too, so there is only so much one can withstand before the love and respect I have for myself make it difficult to hang around if he is not willing to acknowledge the issue and work on himself. I mean, if there is complete denial, there is no hope for him or for us and I will have to sadly move away. I haven't approached him about his insecurities yet, because I don't want to use naming words like 'insecurity'. I know he will get defensive, the deaf wall will go up, and the "Oh crap, man!" statement will come out.

Please can you give me some advice as to how I can approach him and help him to at least recognize that he has a 'problem' and go from there. Like any addiction, first we need to acknowledge before we can heal. We have a child together, so I will try if he does.

This question was submitted by 'Carmen'

Mark says...

Hi Carmen and thank you for writing in.

I think you are right when you say that in order to deal with some trait within ourselves, it's useful to recognize that it is a trait. And doing that can take a degree of honesty and even courage.

First off, I think you'd need to focus on his insecure behaviours rather than on him being insecure. Labels are powerful. It needs to be not, "You are the problem!", but rather, "Some of how you behave and feel can be problematic." This might seem like a trivial distinction, but it's always easier for people to change when they feel a problem is not part of their core identity (see also: 'Give a dog a bad name – the sticking power of labels'). I think you have recognized the importance of not labelling by avoiding words like 'insecurity'.

So my advice is to focus on behaviours that he exhibits that have led you to feel he behaves insecurely. Talk to him about these behaviours and ask him why he acts like that. Gently tell him how you would like him to behave instead and why that would be better for both of you.

It can be much easier for someone to focus on and begin to alter their actions rather than their feelings. At the risk of stereotyping here, men (generally) are pretty focussed on action over feelings. So trying to get a man to analyze his feelings may not mean much to him – or, at least, not as much as focussing on observable actions.

There is no shame in feeling insecure sometimes. We all have needs, intimacy being one of them, and the flip side of having a need met is the fear that at some future time it will cease being met – it will be taken away. When we are clear about what we need as human beings, we can recognize that needs are not weaknesses. You could ask him to read '3 psychotherapy techniques that identify your client’s real problem' and also ask him which needs on the checklist he feels he meets well, which ones are most important to him, and how some of the needs could be met better. You could discuss first which ones are important to you.

This would be an extremely non-confrontational way of getting him to think about what he needs and the way he meets those needs and see that these needs are part of being human. The less 'blind' we are when seeking to meet our emotional needs, the more we are able to lead sustainably happier lives. The two of you could even talk about what happens when people don't meet their needs well or how they act if they fear a particular need may stop being met.

So, read the short blog at the link I've given you and think how you might use that as a general starting point for some kind of discussion.

I hope what I have written is of some use to you.

All my best,

Mark