How can I stop spoiling my relationships?

I wonder if you have any hypnosis for closure with loved ones and with pleasant experiences. I found it very difficult to close in good terms when I don't want a good moment to end or a pleasant relationship to finish. I become angry and frustrated when things finish before I want or when people don't want to keep in the relationship.

I remember getting very angry when I was a kid and my mom picked me up after I'd been playing with friends. I fought with my friends before I left and with my mom all the way back home. The same reaction happened when I went on vacations with my cousins. I felt very empty, like death and loss.

I find that I have the same kind of reactions now with jobs, relationships, and family. And after all the drama done by showing my anger, I feel guilt over breaking any possible contact in the future because of all I'd said and done. It's like showing them the worst part of me to scare them off: don't dare to be close again and have good moments and share happiness with me. It hurts so much. Then I feel the regret and try to find ways of making things work out, but people don't like me anymore; they become skeptical about me.

It is a revenge that ends up hurting me more than anyone else. I know that people leave with a bad impression and bad feelings about who I am, but it is very difficult to let them know the opposite. At the beginning, everything is perfect; at the end, it becomes chaos.

I believe I am not the only one that has this problem. Please help.

This question was submitted by 'Maria'

Mark says...

Hi Maria,

Thank you for writing in. It certainly does sound as if this is an unhelpful, even destructive, pattern left over from your past. When we have leftover emotional reactions from our pasts that are really strong, it means we end up responding in adult life the way we did in childhood, so no wonder that causes problems.

Relationships are really important, but if we focus everything on one person, then we lose perspective. I suspect that sometime in the past, you were deeply hurt or afraid when some friendship ended or something really important ended. I suggest you take a little time to access the exact feeling you get in these kinds of situations and notice what, if any, memory comes to mind. It may be a particular time or the first time you felt this way. Do this with your eyes closed during some time you won't be interrupted and in which you can relax.

When and if a particular time comes back to you, I want you to, as your present self, visualize comforting that old you, that 'you' in the past. Tell your younger self clearly and strongly, but kindly, that at the time it felt horrible and scary, but from now on you are going to respond as an adult in relationships. Spend a little while relaxing with your former self and tell her, 'Thank you, but we no longer need to respond like that.' Now, this may sound a little...strange, but if you do manage to do this, I think you will notice a remarkable change.

Also, I suggest you read both the 'Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships' and 'Fear of Abandonment' articles.

You could also listen to the 'Let Go of the Past' session to get you started on your changes.

All best wishes,

Mark