How can I stop my insecurity over the man I love?

Hi Mark,

Since I subscribed to your emails, I have gotten a lot of information. I am a very insecure person and jealousy; not sure, but they seem to go together. I am in a steady relationship for almost three years now and, if all goes well, we might tie the knot.

My problem is I have lost trust in my partner. I have never caught him cheating, but I once found out he was texting with a woman I know. He apologized for what he did and I insisted he be certain with what he wants. He promised not to do that again, and he really showed me he wants me. That was December 2012.

In January of this year, one morning I saw a text from that same woman greeting him. I got mad and he told me he cannot tell a person not to send him a text because they are not in any relationship and the woman is soon getting married. I kind of overreacted, but we finished well.

I can say he is a man who is always with me. His friends tell me he never cheats, he is not a womanizer at all, and he is not jealous of me at all. He is also not insecure. Sometimes I feel I really pressure him because of my insecurity and jealousy.

I need to stop my trust and jealousy habits to have peace in my heart. I love this man to bits and would love to have a future with him. I need help to overcome this insecurity and jealousy. Thank you, Mark, and I hope you will have time to reply to my problem. Have a blessed day!

This question was submitted by 'Judith'

Mark says...

Hello Judith, and thank you for posting. : )

It's so easy for insecurities and jealousies to find expression through modern communication media like text and email. It's as if human interaction itself has become 'virtual' or in some way 'not real'. But for the partner to discover their partner has been talking via text or email to someone else, it can feel hard.

You know this woman he was chatting to, you know him. She is getting married and he isn't the cheating kind, according to all the evidence. People who aren't insecure or jealous can sometimes have a hard time imagining anyone else being like that, which is probably why he sees nothing wrong with texting with a woman. It may be virtual flirting that doesn't feel real because it's virtual.

Put into practice the tips and ideas from 'Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships' - don't just read it; use it. If you need to, you can always use my '10 Steps to Overcome Insecurity in Relationships' program.

It sounds like you have something really special together. Any time you get jealous or feel insecure, take five minutes to remind yourself (even write it down) of all the ways in which he is loving, attentive, and focused on you in your life. It's not just enough to be loved, sometimes we need to feel we are loved.

All my best for both of you,

Mark