How can I stop feeling so insecure over my future wife?

Hi Mark,

I have been in a relationship with my classmate for the last two years. We've been a wonderful couple since then, but recently we both talked with our families to get engaged and right after that, I started coming up with much insecurity.

The scenario is that she just started her university and is making new male friends, which is creating insecurities for me. I have suddenly started complaining over her casual dressing in the university. Suddenly, I started considering her as a wife, which she currently isn't.

I know I am wrong. I am trying to get myself out of this, but still it’s getting our relationship in trouble. Please help me. Thanks.

This question was submitted by 'Shafay'

Mark says...

Hi Shafay and thank you for writing in.

The great thing about your situation is that you know it is you and not her. You know that you are being insecure, that this is a matter of your perception, not reality.

You have been looking for evidence to match what you have been imagining. You imagine she has been wearing casual clothes. And I'm sure you have been making up all kinds of other stuff in your head. From her point of view, there will be no bigger turn-off than having you be too possessive or jealous right now. A little jealousy in such a good relationship may be natural, but you really need to keep it in check as much as possible.

People are not objects that we own and no one likes to feel owned, because when they do, they feel a loss of intimacy with the person who acts like they own them. As you say, together you are a wonderful couple. You work well together. Two years isn't so long; you are still getting to know one another.

If you want to attract a beautiful bird and keep your relationship with this wonderful creature, you need to open your hand and let it fly to you. Waving your arms around, shouting, or crying will scare it away. It's the same with any relationship. People need to feel they are with you because they want to be with you. She needs this.

If you are really worried about this, you can always check out my '10 Steps to Overcome Insecurity in Relationships', which will help you feel more secure, as well as think more confidently.

All my best to both of you,

Mark