How can I stop driving men away?

Hi Mark,

I don't want to sound arrogant for what I'm about to say, but just so you can have an idea of my situation, here it goes. I am a 24-year-old woman; I have an architecture degree; I fluently speak three languages; I'm smart, pretty, funny, and responsible; and I'm a good friend and loved by the people around me. At my age, I've only had one what I would call serious relationship, which only lasted for about six months and that was over three years ago. Throughout my life, I've noticed I'm not like any of my female friends; my goals so far don't include getting married or having children, etc. I want to be successful and independent and I guess that's not a part of the plan.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing is because, for me, it is extremely hard to get into a relationship. I guess I also have trust issues; every time I start liking someone, I usually drive them away because I panic at the very sign of 'commitment'. My thoughts fly away thinking about meeting the family or him meeting mine, the friends, the events, the obligations, and just the responsibility of being with someone and the implications it has. I know it sounds stupid, but I can't really help feeling that way or having those thoughts.

I have to admit that, at my age, it is starting to be a concern. I don't want to end up alone, but at the same time I don't want to be hurt, feel cheated, or get into something I'm not ready for.

Do you have any advice for me? Anything that I can do to start driving those feelings and thoughts away? Thanks.

This question was submitted by 'Silvia'

Mark says...

Hello Silvia and thank you for writing in.

It might be that you have been approaching relationships the way you have been (quite rightly) approaching architecture. Do you feel like you need certainties from the beginning? That everything needs to be tied down, in place, and you need to know someone is 100% right for you before you will have a relationship? Unequivocal knowing, being certain, and intricate planning for the future are all vital in many fields of life. Relationships tend to be more fluid.

If we extend the wrong part of ourselves toward the wrong area of life, we will inevitably run into problems. It might be that you need to relax with uncertainty more in budding relationships and become good at waiting to see rather than immediately having to know.

There are not just two possible outcomes, but many. It's not just a case of being alone or being hurt and cheated on. If you go on vacation, it's not just a case of having a wonderful time or having a horrible time. Some bits are great, some bits not so great; it's the same with a relationship. If you like the destination, you'll take the rough with the smooth and, as far as possible, make it work.

So, challenge any all-or-nothing thinking you have been having around relationships. Next time you catch yourself being too black-or-white, sit down and write down other, more moderate ways of looking at the issue you've been thinking about.

You are 24 and you have different goals from many other women you know. That is wonderful. The world needs people who aspire to different things. However, there is no reason why you can't have a fantastic career and a satisfying, mutually rewarding relationship. You are 24 now, but you are still 'only' 24. You don't have to do anything that doesn't feel right for you just because it seems to be what most other people do. But it's also true to say that satisfying relationships help us all live more fulfilling lives.

Rather than trying to drive away thoughts, practice just observing them. Just watching thoughts, rather than picking them up and running with them, allows you to decide what to do with them. The most important thing is not to second guess the future (something that you do need to do as an architect, for example). All relationships are an exploration - take one step at a time. Give yourself a talking-to when you begin to imagine meeting his folks, him meeting yours, commitments, and so on. Relaxing with the beautiful unknown can add so much depth to your life.

Of course, you need to be aware that not every person is decent or right for you, but if someone seems to be, then they deserve a chance. You don't need to be making stuff up as reasons to end the relationship or have them end it with you. If you haven't already, check out this article: 'Do You Have a Fear of Commitment?'. And remember that having a good, sound, and sometimes wonderful relationship will add to your career, not detract from it.

I wish you well,

Mark