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Help! I feel jealous of my boyfriend's daughter

Hi Mark,

My boyfriend, his three kids, and I have been living together for two years. He has a 17-year-old daughter and two sons (14 and 13); I do not have kids of my own. The problem I'm having is I'm jealous of his kids, especially his daughter. I feel bad for feeling this way and have been trying hard to get those feelings out of my head.

Valentine's Day is coming up. We were in the store and when we came across the Valentine section, my boyfriend turned to me and told me that he was going to get something for his daughter for Valentine's Day, which I was fine with and think is sweet. But since we have been together, he is always thinking of things to get for his daughter. If we are out shopping or looking online, he always seems to mention he would like to get a certain item for his daughter or buys it for her. He does not do this for the boys as much, if at all.

I wish he would think or feel that way when it comes to me. He has sent me flowers in the past, but he has never given me a gift. It's not that I want anything; it's the whole idea that I feel like an afterthought. He doesn't have that passion or want to do anything for me. Mark, please help! I don't want to be jealous of his kids, and I know it could cause issues. I know kids are a priority.

This question was submitted by 'Christie'

mark tyrrell

Mark says...

Hello Christie,

Thank you for your honest email. It can be hard not just having a feeling but feeling bad about having that feeling. We can feel that we 'shouldn't' feel that way or it's 'wrong' to feel jealous. But if you feel something, then you feel it...for whatever reason. You say that you know children are a priority and that's right, of course. You are not a bad person for feeling this way; in fact, I think it's natural.

Fathers often do have strong bonds with their daughters and it's great he is considerate of her; as you said, it was sweet he bought her a Valentine's gift. But I suspect you wouldn't feel jealous if he was more considerate to you. I think if he seemed to lavish as much thought and consideration on you as he does her and behaved more romantically with you, then you would be more than happy for him to show so much regard and thoughtfulness for his daughter.

Am I right? If I am, then it's not surprising it brings it home to you when he is like this with her but not you. If the situation were reversed - if you had a 17-year-old son, he had no children, and you showed your son much more interest than you showed him - I think he'd be bound to notice and not be able to help inwardly comparing.

Could it be that some of his attentiveness is caused by guilt? I'm going out on a limb here as I don't know him, but maybe he feels he has to somehow 'make it up' to his daughter in some way. Often guilt isn't far beneath the surface of what might seem like extra attentiveness to a child - even a child who is well on their way to being an adult. It might be that he feels so secure in his relationship with you, unpolluted (as I'm guessing it is) by guilt, that he doesn't feel he has to try so hard?

So, don't give yourself a hard time for feeling the way you've been feeling. Be romantic with him, buy him gifts, and tell him that you promise not to be offended if he buys you the odd surprise gift or treats you unexpectedly sometimes. ; ) In this way, it won't feel like nagging or something he has to do and it can be a separate issue to his relationship with his daughter.

All the best to your happy and harmonious life,

Mark

watch icon Published by Mark Tyrrell - February 5th, 2014 in

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