What would it take for me to have a happy relationship with my boyfriend?

Good morning Mr Tyrrell,

I have found your site and videos incredibly helpful. I'm currently dealing with a lot of insecurity and distrust in my relationship, combined with a lack of open and honest communication. I have reasons for the insecurity and mistrust, due to the fact that my boyfriend has lied to me and has cheated. He has never really admitted anything, even though I learned the truth on my own.

We decided to try again. But now we're both incredibly unhappy. I know why I'm unhappy, because I am always questioning his intentions and whether he is telling me the truth. On top of those issues, my boyfriend is responsible for a lot of other people and uses that as an excuse to put me in the background. When I ask for more time, attention, or affection, I'm made to feel as though I'm inconsiderate. I am at the point where I no longer want to fight for a relationship where it feels like he doesn't want to be in it.

We've separated and he is currently acting as though nothing has happened. He continues to communicate with me about what's happening with his life, but refuses to address our issues once and for all. I have asked repeatedly. This is incredibly frustrating and I feel disrespected.

Through all of this, I'm finding it difficult to just end it and walk away. I love him and he claims to love me as well. We've spent six years together. I would really like to have a happy, healthy relationship with him. Is that even possible? What would it take from each of us to work together?

This question was submitted by 'Dee'

Mark says...

Hi, Dee. Thanks for your question.

I wonder if you kind of know the answer already. All the evidence points to this relationship not being right. He totally takes you for granted, by the sounds of it. It doesn't sound like he is bothered or distressed at all that you have split up.

I think you should put the pressure on. When he contacts you, then consider that you don't have to respond. You are not there for his convenience. Walking away from a relationship can be hard and may make you unhappy in the short-term, but long-term this relationship is on a road to nowhere. Do you want a bit of unhappiness now or a lot later on and throughout life?

I know what you want. You want to be happy with him. But ask yourself: would that entail him actually being a different person?

Maybe I am reading it all wrong and you have, in some ways, a fantastic relationship with this man but just didn't communicate that at all, in any way, in your message. Maybe you are incredibly demanding of him (above and beyond the normal requirements of love, affection, time, and attention), but I somehow doubt that.

How fulfilling is/was this relationship, really? Did you meet one another's needs? Check out the article 'Put the spark, fun and excitement back into your relationship' and see how many of the elements to a healthy relationship were in yours.

This current break-up might be an opportunity for you to salvage some true long-term happiness and break away for good. Or you might decide that he is really someone other than his behaviour would seem to say he is.

I hope everything works out for the best.

Mark