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At first she was in contact all the time. Now it's different. Has she lost interest?

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Hi! I'm Mike.

Here's my dilemma: I met my girlfriend Vanessa on a dating site. She saw my profile and contacted me. We sent emails for a couple weeks, then exchanged numbers.

She's 40 with a 20-year-old daughter and has her two elderly parents living with her. I go to school full-time, Monday through Friday, from 5:30pm to 11. She works 8am to 5pm, so we don't really see each other during the week. We'd see each other on Saturdays.

We'd go watch movies, eat dinner, play mini-golf; everything was fine. When she'd call or answer the phone, she always answered, "Hey, baby" or "Hey, boo". We text "good morning" to each other every morning we work. Nothing much, just "Good morning, baby. Hope you have a great day" - very simple. It felt right. We knew we couldn't see each other Monday through Friday because I was in school, but we were fine with that. We saw it as "it'll make our time together special".

So everything was fine, at first. The thing that changed was she slowly became always busy. She runs an OB-GYN and she's always tired. And she isn't available as much. She never calls and when I call her, she never answers, "Hey, babe" anymore; just "hey" with a weird voice. It's weird how she had energy before to go out, but not now. I've seen her twice in two months!

The past few Saturdays were she and her daughter going to Orlando, helping her boss move (she told me before he's gay), bad cramps, went out of town with family; it's like she doesn't have time. Which I can understand, really. But the fact that I always have to initiate contact and now she is always tired but wasn't in our first three months together.

In our third month, she brought up the topic of us being together by planning stuff eight months down the line. So we became an item. It felt great. Now, she doesn't talk to me. She answers when I call, but the two-hour talks we had before are now 20 minutes, tops. I understand that when it's brand-new you're going to talk more, but since we barely see each other, I'd think our time together would be more special.

I admit, I may have hurt things because of the time when we wouldn't talk unless I called. I would ask her if she's happy, am I doing something wrong, especially asking what happened because now she's distant. She says it's because she's swamped at work plus taking care of her family and running errands for her and her parents, she's left exhausted. She goes to Disney, she brings me back something, she still answers my texts and calls. She just doesn't initiate things anymore. I've asked her after quite a few times when I would go two to three weeks without seeing her if she wants this relationship and she said yes, yet she continues with these behaviors. I'm confused and I grow insecure.

I haven't seen her in a month, but she doesn't seem to want to make time for us. I've told her that her actions make it seem like she doesn't want the relationship, since she never calls and never makes time for us. She always says yes and she does have feelings for me, she's just busy and tired. And my mistake, I've asked her, "What's up with us?", like, four times. Each time, she says she does care for me, it's just that she's busy. That it would be different if I wasn't in school or if I had my own place (I stay with my mom, long story); that way she'd just come by my place and crash or eat dinner after work. I believe her, but I just find it weird that since I'm clearly showing my concern for the fact that we don't see each other often and the lack of calls, she doesn't try to make me feel better.

Not seeing her is one thing, but I told her I'm good with just phone calls and she still doesn't do it. And while, yes, I knew Monday through Friday was a no for now, her not making time especially since I barely see her worries me. I told myself it'll get better when I'm out of school in a few months, but the fact she doesn't try after a month of not seeing me has me confused.

Am I over-analyzing? Should I take her at her word? I've never dated someone her age, so I'm sure it's different than dating someone who is 30. I feel I have stronger feelings for her now than she does for me. Am I over-thinking? Does she really have feelings for me but she just has a lot on her plate now? And if she wanted to break up, wouldn't she have done it by now? HELP! I don't know what to think.

This question was submitted by 'Mike'

mark tyrrell

Mark says...

Hello Mike,

Well, I can't tell you what to think, but hopefully I can give you some perspectives that might be useful. Vanessa has a busy life with her daughter and her elderly parents living with her, so it might be that things are overwhelming her a bit right now.

But I can understand why you've been feeling insecure and asking her if she wants the relationship. What are you supposed to think? It sounds like she makes little effort anymore.

It might be she has become overwhelmed by her own life and feels that seeing you (because you live with your mum) is a further complication. Or it might be she has doubts, but feels bad because she hasn't been straight with you about them.

If you are the only one always initiating contact, then I suggest you stop and wait for her to contact you. If she doesn't contact you, then that is her way of saying she wants out of the relationship (such as it is). If she contacts you and asks why you didn't contact her, then tell her that you can't be in a relationship in which it's only you initiating contact because you don't want to feel like a stalker. Some people don't get the message through words and so need actions.

All best wishes and if this relationship doesn't work out, you will have learned that a relationship needs to be 50/50 in future.


watch icon Published by Mark Tyrrell - January 10th, 2015 in

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