My boyfriend is abusive but I love him, what should I do?

Hi,

I just keep crying all the time and have lost a lot of weight. My boyfriend always belittles me, mental abuse, but then he can be nice as ever. I feel worthless. I've been ill for two years; he says I'm lazy and to get a job, but I have been in hospital 15 times in two years.

I love him so much. My family and his sister think I can do better. But I love him.

I feel like I'm having a breakdown. I don't want to get out of bed, can't sleep, then sleep too much, hardly eat. I don't know what to do anymore.

This question was submitted by 'Danielle'

Mark says...

Hello Danielle,

I'm so sorry for what you've been going through. Please, please don't make the mistake of believing that when your boyfriend is 'being nice' that is the 'real' him. It's not. It's just a different side of the real him or maybe just a tool to control and manipulate you, like 'good cop/bad cop' in one and the same person. Emotional dependence and the excitement of unpredictability can do great but fake impressions of real love.

Even his sister thinks you can do better and she is right. You might be thinking that no one else would have you, that he is all that you deserve, or even that you are lucky to have him. All that is illusion. You may feel like you are defending him or that only you know the 'real him'. Again, those feelings are a cul-de-sac to more pain and control by this bully.

But, unless he is actually physically violent or threatening, you don't have to do anything other than calm things down so you can think strategically. Make a point of relaxing deeply every day. Listen to a calming audio session or take time out to meditate on your breath. You may feel like you are having a breakdown, but it always feels like that when stress runs rampant through your body. You can calm things down very quickly.

A real relationship is consistently supportive and not one that alternates between abuse and 'kindness'. This man spots weakness or low self-esteem and uses that to control you. At least, this is what it sounds like. That will never lead anywhere good.

All best wishes,

Mark