Am I stuck with low self-confidence for life?

Are shyness and insecurity part of my nature? All my life, I've been struggling with a lack of confidence and shyness. The other day, my dad told me that "if I'm shy, I'm shy and if I'm insecure, I'm insecure; it's part of my nature".

The thing is, I act differently around different people and feel so much happier when I'm with friends or certain people who I feel comfortable with and can be outgoing with. If it was born a part of me, then surely I shouldn't be made miserable because of it? Because it isn't genetically born into me to be unhappy and not enjoy life.

The people I'm most insecure around are my dad and family members. I don't know why I feel like a different person around them compared to my friends. He's not abusive, but I still feel incredibly insecure and inhibited around him. Lots of the things he says and the way he acts by being too harsh or direct upset me, including that comment because I'm really not happy being shy.

This question was submitted by 'Anna'

Mark says...

Hello Anna and thank you for writing in. I myself recall being really shy and under-confident when I was younger. Some people do seem to be naturally more prone to focusing inwardly and being more introspective than others. There are such things as introverts and extroverts naturally placed within populations.

But your 'nature' isn't one thing. Occasional shyness can be part of your nature alongside strong self-belief and confidence.

Shyness can 'evolve' into a strong inner creative focus. Many wonderful artists, writers, and actors develop their talents through a tendency to have an inner focus that they learn to use outwardly. So they take the best parts of introspection, use them, and bit by bit discard the bits that don't help them - the shyness and under-confidence. There are genetics, but also epigenetics - meaning your genetic blueprint can alter through your experiences.

A genetic leaning towards shyness is just that - a leaning. What leans one way can lean the other or become more firmly rooted in the middle.

The person you feel most insecure with is your dad? That might be because you feel he judges you - as in, he's less accepting of who you are than others are.

You can practice changing the way you feel with him through a self-hypnotic exercise. Strongly imagine being with the people you feel most relaxed with and begin to remember that feeling so you can call it up more easily. Then begin to hypnotically rehearse having that feeling when you are around your dad.

This will train your mind to begin to feel much more self-assured around him. You can do this for any situation. If it's easier, you can use the sessions in the 'Quick Confidence Hypnosis Pack'.

Your inner life can be a rich ocean of creative possibilities from which you can find and collect treasures to bring into your outer life. Shyness is just a misuse of the capacity to use the imagination effectively coupled with anxiety. Once you use your imagination to help you, then life can feel transformed.

All best wishes,

Mark