My husband's son and daughter in law have split our family apart.

Hi Mark! I'm hoping to get some insight and relief on a family issue. My marriage to my husband is my first and his second. He has 2 grown children (both male). When we got married, his eldest son didn't want to be involved in the wedding. His second eldest and his then fiancee (they've since married) attended. Our wedding took place in the US and I've relocated the UK. They wanted to sit together as 'J' was husbands' best man and 'K' wouldn't have known anyone. We did as they asked. I made sure to see that they were as comfortable as possible. They were in quite a few wedding pictures, and her hair was done in a salon. A year later their wedding day came, my husband and I were met with adversity. We weren't allowed to sit together, my husband wasn't allowed to make a toast. We wanted to leave after the vows as it felt very uncomfortable. We said goodbye to the son and daughter in law, and advised we didn't feel welcome at the event and wanted to leave quietly. This started a confrontation with the son who said some horrible things. We stayed only because I wanted to keep the peace. At their wedding, the only picture of all of us together was taken by a guest. The bride and grooms middle fingers sticking up, very mature. They haven't spoken to us since. I have been dwelling on this for over a year. I need to get some peace of mind. We've tried to speak with them, only to get their answering machine with no return calls. Thanks for your help!

This question was submitted by 'jones.nora44'

Mark says...

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said 'very mature.' You made them welcome and bent over backwards to ensure they were comfortable and they did the opposite for you. Not only that but they are behaving as it they have been wronged by you rather than the other way about. You've tried to contact them and they have not responded (and I'm guessing not because they feel so guilty in the way they've treated you!) I hope you don't feel, even in a small corner of yourself, resposible for this in any way. It sounds, reading between the lines, that you and your husband both have the same perspective on this which, if that's the case, is a good thing at least.

Relationships cease to be proper relationships when they become more about power struggles. Treating someone gratiutiously meanly, shutting off contact and saying horrible things (rather than being concerned you felt you needed to leave) are ways of exerting power and control and a negating of any real relationship. People can have sight but not see, people can have fully functioning ears but not hear and you can't get anything from someone who just doesn't have it to give. It's up to them now, they are not 'the children' they are simply younger adults but adults none the less, immature photo poses not withstanding, and it's down to them to learn how to be adults. The ball is in their court now and I suggest you leave it there otherwise they are still exerting power over you by repeatedly having you contact them and giving them the satisfaction of not contacting you back. It's hurtful and sad and exasperating but you need to move on and stop picking away at this. One day they may develop the capacity to look inward at themselves rather than project all wrong doing outward. But until that time, if it comes, there is little you can do other than focus on building your own lives, loving each other and helping people in the world who want to be helped.

All best wishes

Mark