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"I don't think he had any idea what that does to a kid"

All my life I thought I was kind of a stupid person - it was not a very clear thought , but a subtle undertone, that I realised was going on, from the moment I came across this session in your library.

Here is some background of where it came from (realised later) and its manifestation.

When I was around ten, my father and I used to play carrom - it's an Indian tabletop game, kind of like snooker but you flick flat wooden pucks with your fingers. My father was good at it and I was a competitive (but still learning) ten-year-old. And so, nearly every time my father and I would play, I would lose and he, at his relatively young age of 33, would call me a "gadha" (donkey). I don't think he had any idea what that does to a kid. I didn't either.

But this quiet thought that I'm just not that smart ran in the background for about forty years.

Only when I found this session and asked myself, "Do I think that I am stupid? Is there a thing like that?" Turns out, I did.

Paradoxically, it made me work really hard. I read everything, built businesses, wrote a book, came up with original ideas and frameworks. In hindsight, it was to make up for my "stupidness". Nobody looking at me from outside would think this guy believes he's stupid. But inside, every time I came up with a good solution to a problem, I'd just freeze. I'd think, "Is this all there is to solving this? It cant be. There must be something missing." And with this underlying thought, I would just distract myself as the solutions that I found were never good enough. As a side note, the creative problem solving session is incredible and has made me a very good problem solver, but I would never apply my solutions to bigger problems because of this underlying pattern of being stupid.

I gave credit to other people, to luck, to timing. Never to myself. I held back from things - business opportunities, taking care of all sorts of things - not because I was scared of failing but because I felt I was not smart enough to handle it.

It's only two days since I started this session and some constant tension (that I didn't realise was there) has gone quiet.

I'm fifty now. And after about forty years of this running in the background, I'm feeling genuinely hopeful about being able to do a few things that I have dreamt of.

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