I feel so guilty I kissed another man

For the past month my headed is clouded, I am bogged down with feelings of guilt and shame. I keep thinking back into my past picking out mistakes to torture myself over - things even up to 6 years ago. I think about times I have been out and drank (not that I do often) and cannot recall the night, and I am paranoid I have kissed another man ... then I basically convince myself I have and feel sick about it. I know I am no good on alcohol so it is not a complete fantasy - and I have kissed someone when black out drunk before and although my (now) husband knows about it... I cant stop replaying the guilt in my head! How can I move forward? .... I feel so terrible.

This question was submitted by 'woodee'

Mark says...

Hi and thanks for writing in. Most people who have ever got drunk have the next day perhaps regretted what they did or said when they were drunk the night before. I know I certainly have in my time. This is natural as the person who is drunk and acting drunkenly is not really the same person who is reflecting on their own behaviour the next day. The 'you' that kissed some man when you were steaming drunk was not the same you that wrote to me. This is not an excuse but an explanation but it does mean you are not a 'bad person'. When people say 'under the influence of drink' they really mean it. Drink, or too much drink, influences people to be different from how they would otherwise be. It's not the 'real person' coming out through drink - just an alchohol influenced one. If I hadn't eaten for 6 days I might rip an icecream from a three year old from hunger. This would be me under the influence of hunger. I would regret doing it later but I would also know I was driven to it. It was not you that kissed that man because when you (or anyone) is very drunk you are not in your right mind so you are not 'you' at all. That's why it's so important to control drinking because when really drunk we have handed over responsibility to a lower part of ourselves. It's never good to drink to blackout of course but it sounds like you no longer drink so much but are, as you say, tortured by feelings of what this drunken you did or may have done in the past. Punishing yourself for past misdemenours (it sounds like you kissed that man before you knew your husband or were married to your husband) is what powers guilt. If you had done something really terrible I think you would have got to hear about it somehow afterwards.

It's clearly time to move on. We all make mistakes especially when under the influence of hunger, poverty, anger, depression, drugs or alcohol but how long should we suffer for our 'crimes'. I want you to to this: Write down all the 'terrible' crimes you believe you committed whilst drunk (stretching back 6 years!). Next to each crime write how long you would sentence someone to jail for the 'crime' as a fair judge. So for kissing that man whilst you were drunk it might be 3 months or even just 24 hours. Guilt is a form of self punishment, a jail of the mind. All punishments should have an expiration date. Your punishment is due to finish. Being 'imprisoned' for life for kissing a man when you were really drunk is ridiculous. So write down those suppose crimes and how long the punishment for each should really be. Once you have done that then put that piece of paper in an envelope, take a pair of scissors and cut in into small pieces. Put the pieces into another envelope and write 'punishment served' on it and place that envelope somewhere safe. When you feel ready throw that envelope away. You will be surprised how much better this makes you feel. All punishments should fit the 'crime' otherwise we end up living in a much worse world.

All the best,

Mark