I used to write this section in our monthly Inspired Minds newsletter, but we figured it would be easier to read online, and all our blog subscribers would enjoy reading it too. At least I hope you do Read May’s Inspired Minds newsletter here.

Downloads Unwrapped – May 2011

How to turn the inner tyrant around

It’s amazing how we can all so deeply internalize emotional conditioning that it comes to seemas if it arises spontaneously from within our own hearts. But it doesn’t. For example, one client told me that when he started to picture the negative voice in his head, he was astonished – and illuminated – to discover that it belonged to a particularly sadistic and critical school teacher from his childhood. This teacher would keep him back after lessons exclusively, it seemed, to inject another dose of low self esteem into his youthful mind. A criticism is different from a complaint. A complaint is time limited, specific and refers to behaviour and not identity.

“I am cross you didn’t bother washing up today!” is a complaint.

“You are so lazy and useless, you never do anything right!” is a criticism. It assaults the core identity of the one being criticised.

The new Tame your inner critic download doesn’t simply focus on changing negative self condemnation into positive self encouragement. It also aims to help people afflicted by self defeating ‘self talk’ to constructively use the parts of their self criticism that might actually be useful while discarding the useless self bashing that serves no one.

Why we need to learn from our past

The opposite of not eternally internally beating ourselves up isn’t unconditional self approval, regardless of what we are like and what we do – unless human beings really have reached the end of their potential for improvement, which I somehow doubt.

We have a past and we have the capacity to recall parts of that past, not in order to torment ourselves with it or indulge in regrets or sentimentality, but to learn from it. Making the same mistakes again and again can feel like being stuck in a kind of psychological limbo in which nothing really changes and there is no progress. The first step to learning from mistakes is to admit that you made them. But the more the culture around you encourages the passing on of blame, the harder this can be. Another new session out this month is Learn from mistakes. The idea is that it hypnotically encourages the acknowledgement of mistakes, the avoidance of both denial and self punishment, the ability to recognise when a new situation corresponds to an old situation where mistakes were made and the suggestion that a new more productive and healthy response can happen.

Each and every one of us can and should learn not just from our own mistakes but also from those of others – because “fools rush in where angels fear to tread.”

Put pride aside and dare to ask

It’s often said (in rather a sexist way, I might add) (that was mock indignation, by the way!) that men don’t like to ask for directions when hopelessly lost in a strange city, town or landscape. I ask you! Is that fair? Well, perhaps there is something in it. I am certainly pretty prone to not asking for help (if I can possibly help it) until I have made absolutely sure that I really am deal-breakingly late for that appointment. Status? Pride? Not wanting to appear vulnerable?

Seriously, being able to ask for help makes us human. And strong enough to be vulnerable (even if in quite small ways). I now make a point of asking for directions because I woke up to how unproductive false pride can be when faced with a new and confusing place. We all need to ask for help sometimes. If we never do it, then we also deny others the potential benefits of helping, and deny ourselves the chance of being helped, of course. Research has also found that when people help others (as long as they don’t feel forced to do so), they actually regard the person they helped more highly. Whether it’s practical help, emotional support or assistance with solving a complex problem, not wanting to ask through fear of being seen as ‘weak’ or ‘stupid’ or ‘needy’ can backfire. Ultimately, communities thrive on mutual support and help. The session Ask for help encourages the capacity to open up a little sometimes and ask for help where it’s needed.